today

I wish I could feel numb and make the pain go away. I sat in my car for 20 minutes before work today with my knife and lighter in my hand. Somehow I managed not to burn. The knife and lighter are now in my laptop bag which is sitting on the desk in cubicle beside me. I can feel them calling to me. For me to go into the bathroom and heat up the blade and just do it. I think part of what stopped me this morning is how bad my arm looks with all the scabs still not healed from my last burning session. Not sure that will be enough to keep me from acting on these urges at some point today. She is here today. I opened up my email and the first thing that popped up was an email from her work related so cold compared to what it used to be. What's left of my heart aches so much.