today

She is not here today so I feel like I can breathe a little easier and perhaps get through the day without harming myself. One day of respite will be good for me. Not sure if this journal thing is helping me or hindering me. I guess it is a good tool to get my feelings out but sometimes putting them into words makes them more real and scary too. I guess it has its positives and negatives. I still have not been able to bring myself to make an appointment with my doctor. I know I need to as I need help. The harm and suicidal thoughts are much worse. I am so scared to be completely honest with her. Each time she has asked if I have a plan to kill myself I say no but I have the place planned out, the method and hopefully the right amount and mix of crushed pills to do the job. I just don't want to be locked back up again in the hospital.