scared

So I know I need to set up an appointment to see my doctor. I have been off my meds now for a couple of months. I just stopped taking them as they were useless. I feel like the meds never help me even to cope. I have only tried a few and a doctor told me maybe I am resistant to meds. I feel like I hear of people trying all kinds before hitting one that works. Why cant that be that way for me instead of being resistant??? I don't get it. I need something. I am just scared to go set the appointment as If I am 100% honest with the doctor I think they would send me back to the hospital and I don't want to go back to the mental ward. Maybe I need to. The self harm is happening more frequently and the thoughts of suicide are getting stronger every day. I have a full plan and a large bottle of crushed up pills. The place is picked out and the note has already been written. I am so terrified of it not working though and waking up afterwards it scares the shit out of me. I just cannot cope and I want it to all end. I cannot bring myself to admit all this to the doctor as the consequences of it all scare me. Last time is was in the mental ward it seemed so pointless. I lay in my bed for a day and then when I talked to the doctor I convinced him I was fine would not hurt myself and they let me leave. At that point maybe I was "fine" but I know I am not anymore. Its only a matter of time before I do something stupid. I have the crushed up pills a bottle of liquor and I plan to self harm by burning and hitting myself before I take the pills. I also have a rock in the back of my car that I have glued broken glass to with sealant adhesive I used this before to add cuts to the bruise's on my face when I hit myself. I just want the pain to end as it is all too much.