Update
I've been offline for a bit. Classes are starting up again this Monday and getting everything straight with the college has been a real chore. I had to pay out of pocket this semester because they changed how financial aid works and I wasn't notified until 3 days before my payments were due. I thought I had completed everything the week after summer classes, but with the change in the system none of it went through.
Thank you all for the support! I'm still not managing to do much about expressing myself in reality. I had a good talk with my mom the other night, but I still think inside her head she blames me for our family falling apart. She's convinced I hated her as a child and just wanted to ruin her life. For some reason I can't make her understand I was 10 and didn't have the brain power to form complex plots and lies to attack her with. She tried to guilt trip me in the conversation for not leaving with her when she moved out, but she was seeing a drunk violent man (Which she was with before my parents split, having an affair for about 2 months). Her situation was worse than my dad's during that whole time and I finally got her to understand that expecting her children to come with her into that mess was not only ridiculous but would have been bad on us.
The truth is she didn't have to move 400+ miles away to get away from my dad and if she had moved somewhere remotely local both of her children would have gone with her. I think I finally made her understand that we didn't pick the dad who didn't want children over her, we picked the location we grew up in and had friends over one where we didn't know anyone and there was a violent drunk involved.
I don't think I'll ever be able to make either of my parents take responsibility for their part in the whole disaster our family was, but it was nice to at least make a small break through. Of course after that came the usually prejudice rants when we got off on something else.. It's so strange how everything my family hates and wishes would burn.. I am. They don't even know how much what they say hurts me and I can't show it either.
Thank you all for the support! I'm still not managing to do much about expressing myself in reality. I had a good talk with my mom the other night, but I still think inside her head she blames me for our family falling apart. She's convinced I hated her as a child and just wanted to ruin her life. For some reason I can't make her understand I was 10 and didn't have the brain power to form complex plots and lies to attack her with. She tried to guilt trip me in the conversation for not leaving with her when she moved out, but she was seeing a drunk violent man (Which she was with before my parents split, having an affair for about 2 months). Her situation was worse than my dad's during that whole time and I finally got her to understand that expecting her children to come with her into that mess was not only ridiculous but would have been bad on us.
The truth is she didn't have to move 400+ miles away to get away from my dad and if she had moved somewhere remotely local both of her children would have gone with her. I think I finally made her understand that we didn't pick the dad who didn't want children over her, we picked the location we grew up in and had friends over one where we didn't know anyone and there was a violent drunk involved.
I don't think I'll ever be able to make either of my parents take responsibility for their part in the whole disaster our family was, but it was nice to at least make a small break through. Of course after that came the usually prejudice rants when we got off on something else.. It's so strange how everything my family hates and wishes would burn.. I am. They don't even know how much what they say hurts me and I can't show it either.
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