another day...

i'm just kind of here today. problems at work not of my own doing but i have to try and figure it all out...as always. i'm not really anxious...just a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. every day of have that sick feeling. i'm not physically sick...just a feeling that something is always wrong or is going to go wrong.  i just don't want to deal with anything anymore. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of working, paying bills, dealing with people...i'm tired of living this empty life. everyday feels like the same day. other people live the same life but can also enjoy it...i want to enjoy life!! not just live day to day like some robot as i have been but truly enjoy life everyday!  i want to wake up and smile when i hear the birds sing! i want to enjoy meals and thank God for His blessings! i want to savor every moment i have with loved ones! i want a spark of excitment everyday! I WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL HAPPY LIFE LIKE GOD INTENDED!  i can't imagine God put us on earth to be miserable 24/7. there has to be a balance of good and bad. i'm feel a pain in my heart right now because i once had pleasure....it is said the greatest pleasure emerges from our greatest pain. in 5 years i pray to look back at this pain as a bump in the road while experiencing the pleasure that came from finally being able to get out of my current situation. until that day must i suffer? will my days be filled with empty sorrow until i am rid of that place? i'm looking at years...i have suffered this darkness before but it never felt this bad. i never felt this empty or hopeless. i have such loving support from my family...why am i so sad inside? so many people deal with awful situations yet they maintain faith & hope even in their darkest moments. i wake everyday with sadness and fear.  the "what if's" and worst case scenarios of my current situation are slowly taking the life from me. stuck in a trap of my own making the fear of being under this stress for the next several years or longer has put me in this hopelessly joyless state of mind.  i've had less anxiety over the last few days but more depression. when you put yourself in a bad situation its easier to beat yourself up then it is to find that silver lining. one day i hope to find that silver lining....that light at the end of the tunnel...and see hope and joy once more.......