When oh when will I learn my lesson?  As usual, I say that I am sooo done with him...then he calls me, apologizing and begging me to help with the business...At first, I was very very very mean - telling him to go get *&^%ed....telling him he will have to deal with the customers and all the BS from now on...he was so desparate, that he even told me if I called this one lady for him that he would give me $100.  I know that I am very valuable to him and that business and he knows it ..  Long story short...I gave in and made some calls for him to straighten out situations. He got paid..I got to go out and eat fresh fish...all the while, thinking about how I have no clue where he was the night before...I am pretty sure he was at his cousin's house..that's what he says and I did look at the cell phone and saw calls to there...I think I am just getting used to this cycle. Like, I deserve it or something. Like I made such a frickin mess of my life and my kids' lives that I deserve nothing more than being treated like shit and being in misery most of the time.  Logically I understand that is insane to think that way, but my heart hurts so bad sometimes and I almost feel good because then maybe I am suffering to make up for all the bad choices I have made..then maybe one day I will actually earn a spot in Heaven? Am I crazy???   Yep, I already know the answer. Thanks for listening my friends! p.s....and oh, by the way, today would mark my 17 year anniversary if I had stayed married to my first husband. Kinda wishing now I would have stayed with him for the kids sake, even though the thought of him touching me made me physically ill.