Acceptance
I was so active in my twenties and thirties. Then the first surgery for stenosis was looming and I was told they had to modify the surgery because I was in bad shape. Turns out I had a bulging disc and a collapsed disc so they could not do a "true" laminectamy". I was told it would make everything too unstable. I just wanted to be able to walk and stand again because I had a great job making great money. It was a visable position and it required me to be active with meetings, ribbon cuttings, events and important community events. I was living a dream and wanted it fixed.
I got through the first surgery with flying colors. I felt better than I had in years. Everything was a joy- especially walking! Never mind being able to get on an elliptic machine again. It was awesome. Then one day that old feeling of pain hit and then ultimately the tingling and numbness. Oh how I dreaded going through this again. I lived in denial for a while and actually wanted to believe it was in my mind. I was scared living in a place where I had no family.
I reluctantly began the daunting and expensive x-ray, MRI and this time a Cat Scan. The verdict was that scar tissue and stenosis took a toll On my spine. Once again I scheduled a modified laminectamy. I wondered if years of waitressing and schlepping trays played a role but my doctor basically said I was born with a more constricted spinal column and as a result I was early to have digenerative disc des ease. He felt he could avoid a fusion and soon enough I was having another surgery. With the same awesome outcome I was able to resume life. I even was recruited and landed a better paying job in a much larger community.
i was flying high. Enjoying every moment of career success. I embraced the life I was given and was greatful. This was good for a year and then that all too familiar numbness started as well as the pain. I tried again to push through but soon enough I found myself giving a presentation in front of 250 people and stressed from the speech but was met with smiles and clapping. It was great except I was done and I could not move. I was unstable and almost fell leaving the stage. A time when I felt proud of myself turned in to fear.
Soon enough I was on the road to finding a surgeon and of course the many tests. It felt like a lifetime before he was able to see me and tell me what was next. I knew I was headed for a fusion but until I heard from the expert I was pretty numb and extremely depressed. I was stuck in the why me place for months. I learned it is very hard to be effective and engaged when you are in pain. Finally, I met the surgeon and heard one thing in the 30 minute visit: you need a four level lumbar fusion. The main thing is this is what I dreaded most. Significant time off work unless it was a quick recovery so I vowed when I scheduled the surgery I would be a quick healer. Fast forward a few months and post surgery. I recall the nurses taking me to my room that I was told I might be in for a week. I insisted on getting off the table and walking to the bed. I needed that to ensure to myself that I could still walk.
i recovered quickly and walked like i was Forrest Gump running. I wanted out. Luckily after three nights I was sprung. I started therapy a month later and was released early from that because I progressed so quickly. Soon enough I met the surgeon and he gave me the ok to exercise again. I joined a guy and got to work. I was there six days a week trying to make up for three years.
I will will finish this later.....it has not ended as I had hoped....
I got through the first surgery with flying colors. I felt better than I had in years. Everything was a joy- especially walking! Never mind being able to get on an elliptic machine again. It was awesome. Then one day that old feeling of pain hit and then ultimately the tingling and numbness. Oh how I dreaded going through this again. I lived in denial for a while and actually wanted to believe it was in my mind. I was scared living in a place where I had no family.
I reluctantly began the daunting and expensive x-ray, MRI and this time a Cat Scan. The verdict was that scar tissue and stenosis took a toll On my spine. Once again I scheduled a modified laminectamy. I wondered if years of waitressing and schlepping trays played a role but my doctor basically said I was born with a more constricted spinal column and as a result I was early to have digenerative disc des ease. He felt he could avoid a fusion and soon enough I was having another surgery. With the same awesome outcome I was able to resume life. I even was recruited and landed a better paying job in a much larger community.
i was flying high. Enjoying every moment of career success. I embraced the life I was given and was greatful. This was good for a year and then that all too familiar numbness started as well as the pain. I tried again to push through but soon enough I found myself giving a presentation in front of 250 people and stressed from the speech but was met with smiles and clapping. It was great except I was done and I could not move. I was unstable and almost fell leaving the stage. A time when I felt proud of myself turned in to fear.
Soon enough I was on the road to finding a surgeon and of course the many tests. It felt like a lifetime before he was able to see me and tell me what was next. I knew I was headed for a fusion but until I heard from the expert I was pretty numb and extremely depressed. I was stuck in the why me place for months. I learned it is very hard to be effective and engaged when you are in pain. Finally, I met the surgeon and heard one thing in the 30 minute visit: you need a four level lumbar fusion. The main thing is this is what I dreaded most. Significant time off work unless it was a quick recovery so I vowed when I scheduled the surgery I would be a quick healer. Fast forward a few months and post surgery. I recall the nurses taking me to my room that I was told I might be in for a week. I insisted on getting off the table and walking to the bed. I needed that to ensure to myself that I could still walk.
i recovered quickly and walked like i was Forrest Gump running. I wanted out. Luckily after three nights I was sprung. I started therapy a month later and was released early from that because I progressed so quickly. Soon enough I met the surgeon and he gave me the ok to exercise again. I joined a guy and got to work. I was there six days a week trying to make up for three years.
I will will finish this later.....it has not ended as I had hoped....
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