Day 2

So I made through Day 2. What am ordeal though. ED didn't appear in my urge to B&P, but he WAS there! ..Instead he convinced me that "my husband doesn't love me...that he is mad at me...that he doesn't enjoy my company...that he'd rather be with his friends"...etc.etc. I had a true break down last night. After Gab left I broke into tears, which then escalated to a full blown tantrum. Nobody home, I moaned and pleaded outloud "whats wrong with me...I need help...I can't stand it...the pain is too great...GOD HELP ME...GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!...PLEASE GOD!!! HELP ME!!!"...Finally He did. It was as if the pain and loneliness were lifted suddenly from my aching soul and turned to peace and relaxation. I sent Gab a text message saying I was sorry for listening to ED's lies today. I acknowledged that it wasn't fair for him. and I am sorry for that. I expressed my hope that he would be willing to talk to me tomorrow (today).
I went to bed feeling pretty numb. By numb I mean, I felt at peace with my realization...but, I was not happy about it; nor was I sad about it; nor was I angry about it. It is the same I am feeling right now...that "it just is." I can't go back and change it. All I can do is learn from it. I can't worry that I hurt my husband in the process...for that was never my intention and not something I would ever do intentionally. Its in your hands God, but I 'd like to pray and ask You to please open Gab's mind and his heart to understanding/forgiving me. 
Thank You God for my life lessons that help me to grow. No matter how painful they are, You pull me through it and show me the truth; helping me learn and only grow stronger. I love You. Thank You!