Day 2
I so needed some time today. Need to pull myself together and drop the mask of "I'm fine".
Youngest son off work today. Why? He always works Mondays. Ugh. Well decided I would let him sleep unilt 11am. He never wakes up early. Would have time to fall apart alone. I took sleeping pills last night so I laid in bed for over an hour this morning groggy and unable to sleep, but unable to get up either.
Got up at 7am. Got dressed at 10 to 8 and came out of my bedroom to find youngest son up. Was so upset. Asked why he was up so early and got no answer. He just sat on the couch looking vacant. Then he laid down on the couch and is fast asleep again, but in the living room.
No privacy. Can't be alone at all. I need time.
I don't even know how I feel today. Hollow. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Hopeless. Exhausted. And really all my fault. Stupid game. It was a messed up version of Monopoly and it had cards. One time use game changing cards. Mine was to steal a property right after it was bought. No one played the cards and we were down to two unbought properties. I thought my husband was going to win it in the auction and had no qualms about playing the card on him, but middle son outbid him by a dollar. Stupid, stupid I played the card and stole the property.
It was just a random property that would not give anyone a monopoly and he had lots of money and had only paid $10 over the price on the board. Should not have been a big deal, but it was. He had a card too and his allowed him to steal a property at any time. So a normal person would have laughed and taken the property back right? No he took one of properties from my monopoly and knocked all my houses off the board. I protested saying I wasn't mean about it and he didn't need to be. He said he was within his rights to do it and yes he was, but I explained I just took an unimportant property as ajoke and offered it back to him. Youngest chimed in saying how his brother always does 10 fold back at you if you do anything to him. Of course middle son madder. He put my property back and stomped off.
Came back a few minutes later and we played in tense almost silence then my youngest played his card on me. It made me move to his most expensive property and pay him. Just laughed and did it. But then middle son had taken another card after giving me back my property. He picked one out of the stack that he wanted and played it on youngest. Youngest saying he was cheating choosing a card after reading it. Middle saying he had the right as he hadn't used the other card.
I couldn't stand watching them beat at each other and lost it. Told everyone it was my fault, which it was, as I had started the card playing and started crying. Ran up to my room and no idea what happened at that point, but know it was ugly. Middle son packed up his stuff to head home. In the end I talked to him for a long time and got him calm, but he was bashing on younest for being a jerk. Really middle was the jerk. He overacts to all kinds of stuff. His emotions roller coaster all the time. Very hard to live with. Youngest hates him for it and hates me for not getting him to stop.
He is ADHD and oppositional defiant. I would love to make him stop, but can't. only choice would be to cut him out of my life. Can't and won't. Know my other kids resent it, but he is my child too. He is also the only one who remembers to text me just because, who comes to visit me all the time, who shows his love for me in so many ways. So do I give up the child that loves me so for the ones that barely give me the time of day. But do I keep him and let him drive them farther away.
My mother left because she said she couldn't stand middle son. My husband has always had problems with middle son and I was caught having to choose. Know it destroyed our relationship. So horribly afraid this child I love so will cost me everything. Cannot chose between my children I love them all so, but feel forced to.
Just so heartbroken today and need a lot of alone time to try to cope. Hear youngest son moving about again. No idea how I am going to get through today.
Youngest son off work today. Why? He always works Mondays. Ugh. Well decided I would let him sleep unilt 11am. He never wakes up early. Would have time to fall apart alone. I took sleeping pills last night so I laid in bed for over an hour this morning groggy and unable to sleep, but unable to get up either.
Got up at 7am. Got dressed at 10 to 8 and came out of my bedroom to find youngest son up. Was so upset. Asked why he was up so early and got no answer. He just sat on the couch looking vacant. Then he laid down on the couch and is fast asleep again, but in the living room.
No privacy. Can't be alone at all. I need time.
I don't even know how I feel today. Hollow. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Hopeless. Exhausted. And really all my fault. Stupid game. It was a messed up version of Monopoly and it had cards. One time use game changing cards. Mine was to steal a property right after it was bought. No one played the cards and we were down to two unbought properties. I thought my husband was going to win it in the auction and had no qualms about playing the card on him, but middle son outbid him by a dollar. Stupid, stupid I played the card and stole the property.
It was just a random property that would not give anyone a monopoly and he had lots of money and had only paid $10 over the price on the board. Should not have been a big deal, but it was. He had a card too and his allowed him to steal a property at any time. So a normal person would have laughed and taken the property back right? No he took one of properties from my monopoly and knocked all my houses off the board. I protested saying I wasn't mean about it and he didn't need to be. He said he was within his rights to do it and yes he was, but I explained I just took an unimportant property as ajoke and offered it back to him. Youngest chimed in saying how his brother always does 10 fold back at you if you do anything to him. Of course middle son madder. He put my property back and stomped off.
Came back a few minutes later and we played in tense almost silence then my youngest played his card on me. It made me move to his most expensive property and pay him. Just laughed and did it. But then middle son had taken another card after giving me back my property. He picked one out of the stack that he wanted and played it on youngest. Youngest saying he was cheating choosing a card after reading it. Middle saying he had the right as he hadn't used the other card.
I couldn't stand watching them beat at each other and lost it. Told everyone it was my fault, which it was, as I had started the card playing and started crying. Ran up to my room and no idea what happened at that point, but know it was ugly. Middle son packed up his stuff to head home. In the end I talked to him for a long time and got him calm, but he was bashing on younest for being a jerk. Really middle was the jerk. He overacts to all kinds of stuff. His emotions roller coaster all the time. Very hard to live with. Youngest hates him for it and hates me for not getting him to stop.
He is ADHD and oppositional defiant. I would love to make him stop, but can't. only choice would be to cut him out of my life. Can't and won't. Know my other kids resent it, but he is my child too. He is also the only one who remembers to text me just because, who comes to visit me all the time, who shows his love for me in so many ways. So do I give up the child that loves me so for the ones that barely give me the time of day. But do I keep him and let him drive them farther away.
My mother left because she said she couldn't stand middle son. My husband has always had problems with middle son and I was caught having to choose. Know it destroyed our relationship. So horribly afraid this child I love so will cost me everything. Cannot chose between my children I love them all so, but feel forced to.
Just so heartbroken today and need a lot of alone time to try to cope. Hear youngest son moving about again. No idea how I am going to get through today.
Replies
Update. Youngest son came and hugged me for no apparent reason and then turned on the TV to a TV show instead of the video games for almost two hours and watched with me.
Was feeling way better.
Then daughter in law stopped at house to pick up the last of her things. She is all moved out now and has a job in SLC so won\'t be stopping by any more. Told her I\'d miss her and she said they\'d just have to randomly stop by. Well that won\'t happen they are too busy all the time. Said I might just come visit them and got told they probably wouldn\'t be home and not to just stop by. Said I wouldn\'t just come by would call first, but did I have to call two days ahead. She said they probably still wouldn\'t be home. Now feeling sad again although not as empty as this morning. I wish I had grandchildren. Might fill a lot of the hole my kids are leaving.
Not sure if this is affordable or not but this might be a good idea http://www.google.com/aclk?sa=l&ai=CGhUCTS6YVdHPIoeFpAPGgpugBuObrNkD29yK6bQB3_XFzQQIABACKANgyYaXjeikjBiQAQKgAcXI7dcDyAEBqgQmT9Aze1Qkvbn7FIkUPqLeU9489Mrli8qAUgLiSgbjyO-ENkCa9fuAB6O3kiiIBwGQBwKoB6a-G9gHAQ&sig=AOD64_1BdEsgKZQY6p6ypfaeZ8atTo2W5w&clui=1&ved=0CBgQ0Qw4Cg&adurl=http://crosswindsyouth.org/therapeutic-christian-boarding-school/residential-boarding/get-help/ Also you may want to go to the thrift store and buy a different game like BattleShip and Cards against Humanity.
Thanks. Unfortunately he has graduated and is too old for boarding school. We have other games. Monopoly was new. I am just so tired of all the tension in my family and people not getting along.