Numb
Waves of depression today. Fall out from yesterday's fight with son. I alternate between feeling numb and feeling like crying until I die.
It feels so final this time. Like never before. When I had that last big blow up with my mom felt like this too. Kind of like death and mourning. Like I have to say good bye to someone I loved with all my heart.
I need to accept my little boy is gone and in his place is a cold hard stranger who really doesn't love me.
I know I need to step back emotionally from him or just lay down and die. I can't survive the constant trying to love him when he doesn't love me back.
And I need to stop doing so many things for him. He obviously needs to grow up and I am much to helpful of a mom. My other two boys loved that about me. They grew up to be productive men and aren't afraid to say they love me or appreciate all I did for them.
This one is selfish and a user. Don't know where I went wrong. Maybe nowhere just his DNA structure. He has never said thank you for anything ever and he has never once used the words I love you to me.
I need to let go and love the two children who love me back. I can't abandon him completely, but for my sanity I am going to have to try to stop loving so much and doing so much. I have some small struggling hope that maybe he will miss some of the things I did for him, but I doubt it.
I had to do this with my mother. It has been 4 years now and I have tried a couple times to be a good daughter and go back to doing things for her, but she does not say thank you or appreciate anything I do since my dad died. She is an empty shell and my mother is dead and gone with my dad.
Now feel like my little boy died too. I really don't know if I can go through losing someone I love so again and knowing they are still here, but not. It is so hard.
It feels so final this time. Like never before. When I had that last big blow up with my mom felt like this too. Kind of like death and mourning. Like I have to say good bye to someone I loved with all my heart.
I need to accept my little boy is gone and in his place is a cold hard stranger who really doesn't love me.
I know I need to step back emotionally from him or just lay down and die. I can't survive the constant trying to love him when he doesn't love me back.
And I need to stop doing so many things for him. He obviously needs to grow up and I am much to helpful of a mom. My other two boys loved that about me. They grew up to be productive men and aren't afraid to say they love me or appreciate all I did for them.
This one is selfish and a user. Don't know where I went wrong. Maybe nowhere just his DNA structure. He has never said thank you for anything ever and he has never once used the words I love you to me.
I need to let go and love the two children who love me back. I can't abandon him completely, but for my sanity I am going to have to try to stop loving so much and doing so much. I have some small struggling hope that maybe he will miss some of the things I did for him, but I doubt it.
I had to do this with my mother. It has been 4 years now and I have tried a couple times to be a good daughter and go back to doing things for her, but she does not say thank you or appreciate anything I do since my dad died. She is an empty shell and my mother is dead and gone with my dad.
Now feel like my little boy died too. I really don't know if I can go through losing someone I love so again and knowing they are still here, but not. It is so hard.
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