I am struggling with me. I don't know what to do or anything.  I am trying to be the better person but it is hard for me to do and I don't like to do it.  I know that I should be able to cope with things more easiley, but I just can't seem to be able to do it at the moment.  All I want to do is to crawl into the bed and not get out of it.  I know that I can't do that becuase I have 3 children to raise and be a mother too! What kind of mother am I? I really don't know anymore. Things were so much easier before, before I had 3 kids, before I was dx with MCTD before.  I guess that it is time for me to stop living in the before and to start living in the now the present.  That is very hard for me.  I guess that I need to find something to get me out of this funk and into the right way that I need to be thinking, but what really is the right way of thinking.  I guess that I would have to say that it is when I am not thinking about hurting myself, yes I did say hurting myself.  I was opening a can of green beans tonight and wondered what it would be like if I "accdentally" sliced my finger, how would that feel, how would I feel.  I guess that I really need to call my Dr and try to get this all figured out.  I probably should be going and talking to someone on a regular basis too! But for some reason I just don't want to.  What I think that I need is someone to come in and help me to organize my life. Here I go back the before.  Before when I was following Flylady it was not that hard for me to do things.  I just went about and did them, but know I just like to sit on my butt and do nothing.  I know that it will not happen overnight me following flylady again but something just has to give.  I am going to have to stop most of my volunteer work so that I can be a better Mom to my children, that means that I will take the kids to AWANAs but will not stay to help, or if I do stay it will be to do something that I want to do and not what is "expected" of me.  I am also going to stop with Girl Scouts too! THis will be a shock to the girls but I need to do this so that I can get my life back in order.  Before when I had the house all running smoothly is was so nice.  I told myself that when we moved into this apartment that I would keep things picked up and together, well that did not happen.  It seems like all I have been having is flare ups with my MCTD and that is not good for me, because is zaps my energy away from me.  I know that I need to make a realistic plan and stick to it so that I can get myself better and so that I can make a better life for everyone.  I think that I am all done. I know that I will think of something else and  want to write about it to, but for now I am done.