I'm grateful for the numb days, the days when I think I might be coming out of the fog, but then when I fall back down again, it seems that life is laughing at me. I am not a good person. I am negative and moody, I lie, I am not attractive - emotionally or physically - and don't deserve the love I crave. But still I crave it. I fell for someone during the summer. He has become a good friend even though the relationship is a distant one but way out of my league and I am a fool to even think of him in that way. He is special. Kind and talented and full of life. I can't imagine why he stays friends with someone as poisonous as me. But still, instead of being grateful for his friendship, I crave attention from him. It breaks me on the days he doesn't contact me. He doesn't know how I feel (I've even given him advice on his love life and felt relieved that he clearly doesn't know that I feel that way about him and that he trusts me enough to ask even though we've only known each other a short time). I am torn between cutting myself off from him in the hope that I can forget him and just enjoying the friendship. Sometimes my feelings for him make this depression worse, but sometimes I think it helps. It is embarrassing to feel this way about someone. I feel like a 13 year old girl...