Christmas

So I've spent the day battling back tears, having to rush off to my room to cry and then wipe them away and go back. Every time I think things are getting better, they head back down again. I'm trying to keep my blood pressure down but all this must be sending it sky high and I'm scared to death of what that means. I wish I could be calm again. I wish things were on an even keel. But mostly I wish I could stop crying and I hope to god no one catches me because I don't know how I can explain it away... I know that being on my own is the worst thing for me but being in company is so hard when I'm like this. I feel so helpless against this thing