Back Again

A lot has happened since last time I posted.I went to see a sex reassignment therapist! Unfortunately she couldn't help me because of my unresolved sex & physical abuse issues I suffered as a child. She told me told me those issues must be dealt with first! At first, I was crushed-actually devastated.  But, I am currently seeing a therapist experienced in PTSD & childhood trauma! It's a lot of work and is really hard at times! A lot of feelings, buried for a long time, are surfacing, some haven't seen the light of day, ever! It's a struggle sometimes to want to go on, but I do! For so long, I have wished I was female, longed to have been born female; I have worshipped, envied and totally been intimidated by females! How much is caused by being transgendered and how much left over aftereffects from my abusive childhood is often confusing and hard to distinguish!(My main abusers were a sister and my father-others came later) Quite often, I feel I was born "wired wrong"-like I'm stuck with this stupid male body, that I hate and I'm way too "male" to pull off being female!  Inspite of crying day and night, I persevere! I have friends who care about me & family who love me and I am more than my gender. Some day, I might find love, who knows. For now, I am celibate, preferringto save myself for that special someone!