I am at a crossroads. I have always considered myself androgynous; although i am less comfortable with my male side. I have tried to live as a strictly heterosexual male, but hated it. Sex with women was more like work or a contest; i never really enjoyed it. I 've had a few mle lovers in my lifetime; I've aleways felt that being with a man was normal for me. At least, it felt that way. Just the feel of a man's hand massaging is relaxing. But, in my head is all of these homophobic witch statements given me by my father, the church,etc, that I constantly fight .I also have two sons who have jumped on the homophobic bandwagon. I don't date at present, and wonder if it is because my children won't approve. I'm too scared to find out. I find, often, that I feel "female-ish- I watch movies and identify withthe female characters, not the male ones.I read women's magazines, especially the one's about cooking, cleaning and homecare. I even read woman's exercise magazines and books, videos. I've thought about trabsitioning, but I don't feel like dealing with all those complications. Surgery, in general, scares me.I could never explain it to my children, nor do I want to complicate their lives, I don't have a right to. Being gay is dificult enough. So, I'm confused, really confused. Where do I draw the line when something may be good for me, but have negative consequences for others. So, I stay alone, at least for now. I would like to meet a nice guy that I could spend the rest of my life with. I have no time or patience for those guys looking for a "good time Charley"! That's just not me. Still, I must wrestle with my obsession with the female body. I watch women all the time- the way they move, walk, talk, hold their hands, dress. To me, they are all goddesses, while I am stuck in this prison, able to only worship them. I have caused myself harm, trying to starve myself, so I can have a more "female" looking body. (and being diabetci, eating only once a day is not good) I am trying to force myself to eat three meals a day, but I don't always make it. My body issuess complicate things. I am a large male, 255 lbs; 6' 2" and have been secretlt trying to become thin enough to pass for female. I have worn woman's clothing before, but always loked so god-awful masculine. At my age (52), it seems too late for me. Maybe on Holloween, I might dress-up; otherwise, I just need support and help accepting myself as I am- a man, who feels "female-ish.