Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I am feeling,sad, depressed and anxious, all at the same time. I can't helpbut feel that the sexual abuse I suffered as a child is somehow my fault, that I was too weak to say "NO". I often feel dirty and that no decent woman would want to be with me. i especially feel that way because I had sex with men and that somehow makes me even "dirtier". Compounding this dilemma is the fact that I let dozens of men touch me and I touched them, no problem, as long as it was done in secret; but when a woman touches I become full of anxiety and my body tenses up, and i have no feeling in my groin area. I just shut down. What's wrong with me. Why can't I just be normal. I question why wasn't I born a women, it would be so much easier, instaed of being a man sexually attracted to men. For now, I avoid sex with anyone, altogether. Yet, I walk around lonlier than ever, feeling I'll always be this "Freak", Frankenstein monster. Help, please.Death is starting to look good right now. I have thought of different ways I could commit suicide, but for now, I've postponed that. For now I'm trying to get help.