Today, I finally broke down and told Valerienabout being an incest survivor. I'm giving her time to ingest it all; it canbe overwhelming. I know she must have dozens of questions.(We tried having a sexual relationship, but, I couldn't-physically my body just shut down, like a had no feeling, below the waist;so we decided just to remain friends). I've funally broke through my "stone-boy" phase and have begun to cry, alot, alone. I have a counseling Appt. March 5th, sowe have lots to discuss. A by-product of incest and molestation is of course promiscuity and sexual dysfunction, anxiety, depression. I take welbutrin, perphenazine & mirtazapine. I'm also diabetic. I am still afraid to make new friends or tell old ones about being victimized as a child, for fear they might not like me anymore or at all. I stillstruggle with blaming myself. I toldmyself for too many yeasrs that if I hadn't of been so weak that I would of been able to stop the incest/molestationor at least not continue with it after it began. Nor would I have had sex with all of those men and women if I didn't have some inherent weakness. My sexual abuse was compounded by years of physical abuse at the hands of my father & step-mother, and I somehow blamed myself for that as well, believing that because Iwas inherently"bad", I made them beat me until I bled,often. I am stillconvinced thast they hated me and was one day going to kill me! Iknow I have a lot of things towork through, including repeatedly getting into abusive relationships with domineering women(repeating the abuse caused by my sister). That's the "Reader's Digest" version of my story.My goals for now is to work with my therapist on my issues, to not enter into any sexual relationship with women or men, to make use of my suicide prevention list and to discuss with one current friend  about being a victimof incest/molestation. I also want to write in this journal at least once a week.