Hello!!
2133 uk time;05/05/09Hello!I know it's been a while since i last entered in my journal.I'm still here!though things have been difficult for me to visit this site bec of technical problems(don't know if other's experience this too) and time constraints...we've moved to a new place,new company,a lot of things to learn and many others.somehow these new events have been helping me cope with my grief.i noticed i seldom cry now,i am able to talk openly now about my brother's unfortunate fate without tears coming from my eyes.HAVE I COME TO THE POINT OF ACCEPTANCE? I still don't know.because sometimes i still hang in that hope that one day a miracle will happen that he might just turn up.especially that we've found out his passport wasn't found on his belongings.I don't know....we just hope he's still alive.I still dream about him coming back...I hope everyone is hanging in there too with hope that we will all get through the grief of losing our loved ones.we just need to be patient.here's an exerpt from a book i read by Dr. Brian Weiss:(from the Poet Master)-"Patience and timing-everything comes when it must come.Life cannot be rushed,cannot be worked or scheduled as so many people want it to be.We must accept what comes to us at a given time and not to ask for more.But life is endless so we never die.we were never really born.we just pass through phases.there is no end.humans have many dimensions.but TIME IS NOT WE SEE TIME, BUT RATHER IN LESSONS THAT ARE LEARNED."
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I am so glad you have at least reached a place where you can at least accept and begin to live and cope again. Just a word, hon, I have had the eperience, and know others who also have, where a very loved one was lost, and were not seen in death. With me it was my first love, he died when we were 21. I was already married to someone else and had 1 kid and very pregnant wit #2. I was not even told of his death till later. He shot himself. I have often seen someone I thought was him on the street or in a store. It is a trick our minds play, because we never saw them as dead. I do not mean to sounc cold, or mean. Just don\'t believe too much or you will have more trouble moving on. I saw my younder son dead, both at his home where he died, and at the funeral home viewing. My older son, I had directly cremated. I did not want the torture of seeing him. (It was the worst day when we vieed my youngerson, my grand daughter however asked to see her daddy 1 last time so, I had to do it for her.) I do think not seeing the second son was the best for me. I read the police reports and autopsy reports, and immeditly shredded them all. I had nightmares just from reading those. If my grand kids ever want to know they will have to find the papers on their own. It is not a good thing to read. My unending need to know and understand did not come from reading those pages. They came from prayer time and thought of our whole lives. Hope is ok, but don\'t let yourself be obsessed by it. I am doing better too. Love, and good doing. I am proud of you.Love Peggy
I am with you sweetheart, the question is will we ever fully accept anything? we accept as much as we can cope with ....When I look at photos of my brother there are two states of mind I look at him with...\' I love u darling miss you, I have lots to tell you about my day...the other is \' oh my god u are actually dead this isnt a joke, i will never see u again. that is the scariest feeling of all, the feeling of not having dealt with anything at all!
Please know I am here for you if you should ever need me.
xxx