I took vicodin to muster up enough energy to teach class last night.  I really like teaching the class - but I can't affort using all that energy to make $500 a month.  That's just crazy. I was a bit better after I excercised but still needed a pill at one, five and half again at 6. 11/20 2 1/2 vicodin Today I feel nauseous but I woke up at seven and so I'm almost a normal person.  I'll hit the gym in a bit so I can get my exercise in before lunch with mother's lunch group.  I had a fire this morning - first one.  It's about 40 degrees.  I don't know what to do with myself on the days I feel half normal.  All my routines are gone.  Much of what I accomplished was based on routine - keeping daily commitments.  With my personality if I don't keep a commitment three days out of five for a couple of weeks - then it ceases to exist.   I have to learn a new way to live.  The "in the moment" style is all that will suit my current health.  The whole power of Now thing.  I can do it for limited times - but you find yourself without groceries if you do it all the time, all the way.  Another problem to solve...simply an opportunity to get creative. My mother checked in on me yesterday.  She "got" how bad I felt and might have even noticed I didn't want to go through childhood artifacts but did anyway.  My email to her had two indirect messages.  Telling me your wonderful energetic life is depressing when I can't leave the house.  Second was "notice the tendency to get mad at someone who isn't getting well."  No one gets mad at someone with cancer who gets worse.  If a FM gets worse or doesn't improve after $16,000 and one year of treatment...people start to think "you aren't really trying" in spite of themselves.  Or the naturally avoid someone who is a downer.  I'm a downer. I'm lucky I enjoy being alone.