No vicodin again yesterday. BUT...I'm crazy again.  Really dangerously low impulse control - high agitation - classic mixed state.  I drank a vodka yesterday so I'd calm down enough to teach class.  To nonbipolar people that might sound awful - but I'm in danger of saying mean things...or more like HIGHLY honest things that will damage relationships for a long time.  After I am back to normal - the people around me are still not, may never be back to normal.  I'm not risking it.  And it worked.  I made it.  I was still a bit disorganized - it is hard to care when I feel resentful and BOY do I feel resentful. I resent not being able to walk in the sun without hats and stupid cotton evening length gloves.  I resent being forced to appease the egos of doctors so I can get the meds I need.  I resent having to explain yet again my ailments and feel like a fucking hypochondriac when I'm more disciplined and courageous than the fucking idiot I'm briefing.   I resent behing handed a faulty system (grading) and then measured on my mastery of that system rather than my skills as a teacher.  I resent students who suck up - it is insulting.  I resent the money I'm spending just to be normal.  I resent the insurance companies pretending to be a resource and then rejecting over half of the cost of diagnostic testing - when I used THEIR preferred supplier.  I resent the idea that I have to live to 70 or 80 and PAY FOR IT.  OH and most of all I resent that I no longer have fun.  I used to love travel (can't get on an airplane) I used to love going out to dinner (can't have a glass of wine - although I have a glimmer of hope there.  The vodka didn't make me sick this morning so maybe every once and a while?)  I resent the regular things too. My body getting mushy and back fat - oooh how I resent back fat.  I exercise every day.  I eat balanced meals.  I resent how all the clothes are made in China and are UGLY and they all look the same.   That's enough for now.   I did take a valium to sleep around 11 - I was still wired.  I stayed up grading papers.  Im grateful to have my energy back...but it's a mixed blessing.  I now have the energy to be really resentful whereas before I was just sleepy and depressed.