July 11, 12, and 13 I only needed one vicodin during the day - when I was out trying to be a normal person.  I've got a manic phase cranking so on Friday night I had a valium and slept until 2 when I woke up in a frenzied panic - bad dream + mixed state - so I took another.  It was a good call.  The manic crap is controllable with valium which is CHEAP and only used when necessary.  Two requirements I seek in a drug.  I have a doc appt by phone at 4:30 and will need to get a new script for the valium.  I hate explaining to a new doc all my drug use.  I hope he believes me when I say I only use about 10 a month.  Mostly I use valium to sleep in hotels when traveling.  The new supposedly non addictive sleep drug on the market is just and upgraded benzo (valium) that is ten times as expensive.  When I say I've been using valium for six years and I'm not addicted....the "six years" part sure sounds like I am. Tough.  I'm bipolar and I have to keep my clients and keep my relationships.  There are times when the paranioa and aggression surge up in me so high that I'm likely to say or do something that I just can't take back.  I finally learned that it's the disease, not me, feeding me crazy ideas.  I have to treat the crazy ideas or risk losing my social support.   That's exactly how I ended up divorced.  I was manic and crazy as hell when I left my husband.  I was also crazy and manic as hell when I decided to marry him after only seven days so the marriage had to end anyway, probably.  But the damage I did to him, me, my family and his....will never heal.