Bad evening.  Well, bad day really.  I've been highly agitated.  I think the menopause thing is pumping out PMS hormones.  It's like the old days...except I can't predice a monthly INSANE FOR A DAY "holiday" because nothing is regular anymore.  Anyway, I fixed a vodka and cranberry.  Just one. No discipline required to stop at one (thank goodness) but I needed a break from feeling crazy depressed/paranoid/angry.  I got it too.  A big sigh of relief. I feel crummy = headache, cramps, shoulders = this morning.  Haven't taken anything.  Probably wont - I'll see if a workout helps first. Suicide thoughts lurk at every corner, beckoning.  Mild thoughts, like maybe you will get cancer that I know are not good in the "law of attraction" department.  And I outrun them, but I'm so tired of being chased.  The idiots who promote "think positive" have no fucking idea how much emotional energy it requires of someone who is ...mentally ill. Like telling a cripple they don't want to walk bad enough. I have a house full of company coming.  The distraction will do me good. I also am volunteering at a local summer program - I offered to help put together a hip-hip show with the middle schoolers.  any distraction will do.