Watched the Kay Redfield youtube talk about bipolar experience- I think increasing my Lamictal was first and foremost a very good step.  But being genuinely balanced out now, I’m feeling bereft in a way.  Kay does a good job of describing what is lost – even when we know what is gained is better. I’m only just now coming to terms with my diagnosis and “treated state.”     I’m feeling a little useless and flat.  I go and do my work with less enthusiasm – probably more effective that way – but it’s doesn’t fill my soul like it did when I was playing Messiah.  I don’t want to write – the heretic book is symbolic of my passions for what others consider foolish behavior (telling the truth).    It’s good I’m here in Shreveport.  I am rescued daily by the net of lunches, church events or some family members phone call.  I know I’m not suffering from the extremes of side effects like Redfield did.  But successful treatment ends up feeling a little flat no matter what.  I feel like my passion is gone and my self-discipline is gone (the fibromyalgia is to blame for that).  Today (having been plane free for a week) I had my first pain free day.  It is a mixed blessing.  On bad pain days, the vicodin masks the empty feelings.  No pain, no vicodin, so I feel what is there or isn’t there to feel.  It’s sort of weird to “improve” only to arrive in a vacuum of emptiness.  I think I need a hobby huh?  I’ll go to Michaels and find something to do.  It is the best treatment – working with my hands.  Sewing something, painting something or making something. I wrote them to my friend Perry - I needed to speak the truth to someone who wouldn’t freak out about it. (or go into denial)