Monday and Tuesday NO PILLS!!! yeah! I was achey but nothing I couldn't stand and I'm so happy I was pill free. Maybe I'm getting better. Sunday I felt great - only one pill when I had to sit for three hours. The music was fabulous but not quite enough to distract me from the pain. I slept Saturday for 3 hours and Monday for three - deep fatigue sleep. but that's okay. It is just my body repairing itself. I don't mind the sleep when I have the time. I agreed to teach a course in the fall. Only one so I can see if the schedule is possible. I had anxiety all day yesterday - bad anxiety. I finally took a valium last night. I was at my mothers for dinner and needed to be present instead of spiraling into fear fantasies. The most extreme instance was when a man expressed interest in me. My chest tightened up and I couldn't breathe. Probably PTSD from sexual abuse. GOD will my childhood EVERY be over? Or maybe it's just general anxiety breaking through from the Lamictal/Effexor dose. I did all the chores I didn't want to do on Monday so I should've felt the calm of ticked off boxes. I guess some of it is future fear. I keep telling myself that I have enough money to live a good long time at 30% income. My house is paid for - I am extrement lucky I didn't invest more in mutual funds. As it was I lost 6% in two months (or more, I refuse to look). Maybe I need to spend more time in logical rebuttal of my fears. Okay I can do that. I should take a survey of my brain's pending disasters and use metaphor maps to externalize and reframe them. So ....pending disasters. I've loved being home but now a nagging fear that the longer I stay the more I risk alienating people. That WILL happen of course. Everyone had good expectations (like newlyweds) and they will discover I'm a human being. Some will discover my strong liberal tendencies and distance themselves. Simone already discovered I am not her new best friend and she cut me off for my failure to faun. I am afraid of dating. Somehow it feels like I am back to 13 or 14 before I used alcohol to manage my feelings around boys. Now I have to re-do what I avoided then. Men are not all abusers, nor are they all users. Some can be friends. Still I don't want to relax for fear of sexual attraction sneaking in and hijacking my ability to make good decisions. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. I had to talk to my housekeeper about watching TV and not cleaning well. I made myself do it upfront and honestly. So easy to tell her I found someone else. and I have found someone else too. Someone better. But it is not in my nature to ditch her until she has a second chance. That's a source of anxiety too...my hyper concern over integrity takes lots of time. And still I'm never quite sure I did the right thing. Lucy peed in the house - that really stresses me out too. I've done everything to housetrain that dog - but she is going to pee in the house. It crawls all over me to smell dog pee. I won't give up but I should find a way to deal with the faulty dog issue. I get so mad at her. And she will be good for a while until it is cols and rainy... I had both rugs cleaned - sprayed the hell out of them with urine gone and any other product that promises to help. Sigh. So the stressors are 1. people won't like me once they get to know me 2. Men and dating. 3. Money and Identity 4. Integrity i.e. "I'm a bad person" and 5. Dog pee. If I used the fear.longing.strength exercise: My fear is that I'm a bad person My longing is to feel worthy and acceptable. My strength is that I know how to make others feel that way so I can use my skills on myself. I make others feel acceptable and worthy with nonjudgmental eyecontact and tone, natural curiosity that validates their choices. I spend time with them and enjoy their company. I talk about myself in unguarded ways to demonstrate trust. Sigh. I don't really see a crossover here. Perhaps I'm not in the mood for solutions. I'll go see mom's presentation at the "garden club" work out and then see how I feel.