I'm not sleeping. I guess it is a manic phase. The pain is particularly bad right now. I had to take a vicodin at about 4:00 a.m. I'd managed to go more than 24 hours wihtout anything but the pain woke me up. I called my mother just to have someone to talk to - but she doesn't want to hear it. She says, "maybe it is menopause" and "you aren't any different than everyone else - this is just what you have to live with." thanks mom. If she had this kind of pain and insomnia/coma like fatigue (sometimes I sleep 12 hours a night every night) she'd freak out. she goes to the doctor for the sniffles. Anyway, I'm trying this journal thing to see if I feel less alone. I guess I should join the bipolar group too. but I'm afraid that I'll get too much attention from needy people. Which is ridiculous since a.) I'm needy and b.) I know how to say "go away" to someone who is being mean or overly solicitous. I should keep a better record of my symptoms. Denial has been my main coping mechanism and it makes it kind of hard to record symptoms. Actually I use distraction more than anything else. I'm working on projects around the house ALL the time just to keep my attention from the pain. Part of the mania is that I start all these projects. When I felt good - that was VERY good. Because yes, I'm spending money and yes, I'm doing things fast and with great intensity - but I make sure they are constructive. I don't go out and buy and airplane. For instance I'm using the manic stage right now to renovate my bathroom - which needs it. I built window seats for the living room. Well, my dad built them but I helped. And I'm doing all the finishing work. I'm redoing a lamp. All sorts of little project that "use" the manic energy - channel it into things I'll be glad I did. As opposed to sleeping with strangers, getting drunk and holding court, all the diva stuff I used to do. Okay...I feel a bit better. I'll keep doing this. I left it public and Im not sure how I'll feel if anyone reads it. So far I've made no contact with anyone on the network so I imagine I'll stay under the radar. It would be interesting to deal with someone else's reaction to what I'm treating as a private journal.