It's been a while...
I haven't been on this site in several years. I used to be on here a lot when I was in university and struggling to keep it all together. Thankfully, I can say that the last few years have been going quite well for me. I've had my ups and downs but all in all things have been good.
I graduated university 5 years ago to the day. Since then, I've had some successes, hit some tough times, done some traveling, and all in all built a pretty decent life for myself.
A year and a half ago I met my boyfriend, moved in with him in November, and together we are building a life together. We are going to be buying a house together next year, after which will come a puppy and then marriage. It's all very exciting and I love him very much.
Unfortunately, over the past few days, media coverage of the Brock Turner conviction and pathetic 6 month sentence has caused a flood of emotions to hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I have come to realize that I never truly worked through the effects that the rape I experienced 12 years ago. I thought I was ok but I'm not.
I suddenly find myself questioning a lot of the choices I made in the past 12 years and wondering how much the trauma of having my virginity stolen from me while I was passed out drunk impacted those choices.
I find myself dwelling on the pain and the loss that I felt when I awoke that night to find someone I thought I could trust penetrating my limp, lifeless body.
I find myself realizing that for all these years I've been running away from what happened instead of dealing with it head on. I've been avoiding it and hiding it away instead of processing my trauma. I'm terrified of opening this wound but I don't think I have a choice. I don't think I can keep it buried anymore.
I want to tell my bf about it but I don't know how much I want to tell him and I don't know if I'm prepared to lay that kind of pain and sadness on him.
Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops what happened to me and how much it hurt me, but part of me is terrified of what people will think of me, especially how many people will question my motivations when I've hidden this for over a decade. I'm also afraid of people asking who did this to me, because I'm not prepared to put that out there. I'm not prepared for the repercussions that naming my rapist will have on people I have known for most of my life and who I love a great deal. I will take his name to my grave, despite how much it hurts me.
I graduated university 5 years ago to the day. Since then, I've had some successes, hit some tough times, done some traveling, and all in all built a pretty decent life for myself.
A year and a half ago I met my boyfriend, moved in with him in November, and together we are building a life together. We are going to be buying a house together next year, after which will come a puppy and then marriage. It's all very exciting and I love him very much.
Unfortunately, over the past few days, media coverage of the Brock Turner conviction and pathetic 6 month sentence has caused a flood of emotions to hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I have come to realize that I never truly worked through the effects that the rape I experienced 12 years ago. I thought I was ok but I'm not.
I suddenly find myself questioning a lot of the choices I made in the past 12 years and wondering how much the trauma of having my virginity stolen from me while I was passed out drunk impacted those choices.
I find myself dwelling on the pain and the loss that I felt when I awoke that night to find someone I thought I could trust penetrating my limp, lifeless body.
I find myself realizing that for all these years I've been running away from what happened instead of dealing with it head on. I've been avoiding it and hiding it away instead of processing my trauma. I'm terrified of opening this wound but I don't think I have a choice. I don't think I can keep it buried anymore.
I want to tell my bf about it but I don't know how much I want to tell him and I don't know if I'm prepared to lay that kind of pain and sadness on him.
Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops what happened to me and how much it hurt me, but part of me is terrified of what people will think of me, especially how many people will question my motivations when I've hidden this for over a decade. I'm also afraid of people asking who did this to me, because I'm not prepared to put that out there. I'm not prepared for the repercussions that naming my rapist will have on people I have known for most of my life and who I love a great deal. I will take his name to my grave, despite how much it hurts me.
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