Scared
I've taken the first step of letting you all know that I need to go back to counselling, so that, should I change my mind, I'll have you badgering me about it. I have to go, but I don't trust myself to do it without you guys pushing me.
I'm fucking petrified.
It's not just that I have a hard time admitting to others that I can't do this on my own anymore.
It's the things I need to get out. It's the things I need a counselor to help me with. I'm afraid to bring these things up to someone face to face. But I know that I need to. It's the only way to get past it.
But I'm afraid of being judged. I know counselors aren't supposed to be judgmental. But I don't know how anyone can listen to the things I need to let out and not judge me.
What if they think I'm just faking it? Like I want to be depressed. Like it's some kind of excuse, or some twisted fantasy? The reason it's so hard for me to talk about is because I feel like I have no reason to be this way. Compared to pretty much everyone else here on DS my life has been a fucking cake walk. My family loves me, I have lots of friends, I have some really good friends, I'm attractive, I do well in school... I mean, my whole life is a giant ray of fucking sunshine!
And the biggest thing I need to deal with - the real monster in my closet.. I'm absolutely petrified to talk about. I feel like I should have been able to let this go a long time ago. I feel like it's my fault that it happened. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and not owning up to my role in it because I'm ashamed that it happened and I just want to blame him. I feel like a horrible person for feeling like I've been wronged when I'm not sure I have. At least, not on the same level as I make it seem, or as it feels inside. It's been seven years for christ sake how am I not over this?!
I feel like I'm going to get there and start to tell them all this stuff that I need to get out and that I need them to help me sort through and they're gunna wonder why the hell I'm there.. why I'm wasting their time when there are people out there who are really hurting.
I keep wondering if maybe it's like this for everyone - maybe I'm not really depressed I just think I am. Maybe everyone feels this way and I'm just not strong enough to cut it like the rest do. Am I really sick, or do I just want to feel sorry for myself?
I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just totally unsure what to do with myself at this point.
I'm fucking petrified.
It's not just that I have a hard time admitting to others that I can't do this on my own anymore.
It's the things I need to get out. It's the things I need a counselor to help me with. I'm afraid to bring these things up to someone face to face. But I know that I need to. It's the only way to get past it.
But I'm afraid of being judged. I know counselors aren't supposed to be judgmental. But I don't know how anyone can listen to the things I need to let out and not judge me.
What if they think I'm just faking it? Like I want to be depressed. Like it's some kind of excuse, or some twisted fantasy? The reason it's so hard for me to talk about is because I feel like I have no reason to be this way. Compared to pretty much everyone else here on DS my life has been a fucking cake walk. My family loves me, I have lots of friends, I have some really good friends, I'm attractive, I do well in school... I mean, my whole life is a giant ray of fucking sunshine!
And the biggest thing I need to deal with - the real monster in my closet.. I'm absolutely petrified to talk about. I feel like I should have been able to let this go a long time ago. I feel like it's my fault that it happened. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and not owning up to my role in it because I'm ashamed that it happened and I just want to blame him. I feel like a horrible person for feeling like I've been wronged when I'm not sure I have. At least, not on the same level as I make it seem, or as it feels inside. It's been seven years for christ sake how am I not over this?!
I feel like I'm going to get there and start to tell them all this stuff that I need to get out and that I need them to help me sort through and they're gunna wonder why the hell I'm there.. why I'm wasting their time when there are people out there who are really hurting.
I keep wondering if maybe it's like this for everyone - maybe I'm not really depressed I just think I am. Maybe everyone feels this way and I'm just not strong enough to cut it like the rest do. Am I really sick, or do I just want to feel sorry for myself?
I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just totally unsure what to do with myself at this point.
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