A new day

Well last night was ok.  I went home with the girls and we cleaned and settled down for the night.  My husband had to work late so the house was pretty peaceful.  By the time he came home we were asleep.  I had fell asleep in the rocking chair with the baby and he woke me up by playing in my hair.  I just got up and put the baby to bed and went to bed myself.  He came in the bedroom and rubbed my back and played in my hair.  I just layed there without moving.  I want so bad to let things go but I know from experience that it will only happen again.  He finally stopped and said I Love You.  I didn't respond.  He wanted to know if I heard him and I told him yes, but I didn't say anything else.  He got up and went to sleep on the couch.  Me and the girls slept good last night.  That was a relief because we were all exhausted.  Today is a new day.  I am not sure where I am going with this thing but I know things have to change.  We took seperate vehicles to work this morning and when we got to his mothers to drop the baby off he told me again he loves me.  I didn't respond again until he said it again.  I told him that I love him too, but the BS has got to stop.  He said he agreed with me, but then in true Michael fashion he started to tell me that he wasn't the only one in the wrong.  That I had to stop doing what I was doing and he wouldn't act the way he does.  I get so tired of being the reason for his bad behavior.  I am not innocent.  I have a big mouth and I am headstrong, but he doesn't have the right to say the things he does or do the things he does because of my mouth.  The only thing I did the night before was tell him to quit yelling at our ten year old because she told the people of the DARE program at school that her mom smoked and her dad drank.  He was furious with her!  He was yelling at her and telling her how she needed to keep her mouth shut!  It was riduculous.  I told him that if he didn't think that there was anything wrong with him drinking he shouldn't expect our children to keep their mouth shut about it! He must be ashamed of it if they aren't suppose to talk about it.  Thats when he jumps up out of his chair and starts pacing the room and screaming at me about how would I feel if she went to school and told everyone about how filthy my house was and about how I couldn't do what I should do by keeping it clean.  I told him then that my house was NOT filthy that it was messy because we have eight people living in a four bedroom home with a mother that worked ten hours a day and had no time to keep it spotless.  I clean, I just can't make it look like a showroom when there isn't enough space for all of us! Heck there are two girls apiece in two of the bedrooms, my son has his on room, and the baby shares a room with me and my husband.  HOW can it be spotless???  He just kept ranting and screaming.  Im sitting on the couch with Tailor under one arm, chloe under the other and Ainsley in my lap and he's pacing the room screaming! I finally just said in a calm voice, Michael that's enough.  Just Hush! The kids need to sleep for school tomorrow and they can't with you screaming and pacing the room!  That's when he gets in my face, pointing his finger at my nose, literally poking it and saying" say it again, tell me to hush again, youll see what's coming to you".  Me with my big mouth of course goes Im not scared of you Michael, You do need to hush.  Just Hush and go to another room so the kids can sleep!!  He then grabs me by my throat and screams you arent controlling me!!  I kicked him because I couldn't move my arms and he let go.  My 16 year old rushes in and gets infront of him and tells him to stop. I got up from the couch. Handed the baby to my 10 year old. And got between him and my daughter.  I don't believe he would hurt her, he hasn't ever laid a hand on her even when he has been that angry, but there's a first time for everything.  After that everything just got worse until the night wore on and on and on and on.  It finally stopped when he slamed the back door, catching our 12 week old puppy in the door, she only weighed half a pound.  She was so tiny! He broke her neck.  My seven year old and the baby were asleep by then thank God!  My 16 year old saw it happen as did I. She started crying and pretty much verbally attacked my husband.  I for once just let her say her peace.  The momma dog just whinned and whinned trying to get the puppy up.  We sent her back in the house with my 10 year old.  I got an old shirt and wrapped the puppy up in it.  Then I went and dug a hole to bury her in.  I went back to get the puppy and she was still alive but was bleeding through her mouth and nose.  She was struggling to breathe.  I knew it was only a matter of time.  I finally broke down and cried like a baby.  It was all too much.  First the insults, then the physical crap, now my precious family pet was dying a horrible death!  I sat on the porch holding her and praying to the good Lord to just take her on so she wouldn't be suffering.  She finally died and I buried her.  Of course through all of this my 16 year old is crying so hard she's vomiting.  My 10 year old is trying to keep the momma dog calm, and where is my husbad?  Finally passed out on the couch.  Our momma dog, tinkerbell cried for her baby all night.  I have never heard a sadder sound.  She searched and searched the house over and over and over.  I held her, tried to calm her, but I smelled like her baby.  I changed clothes and scrubbed down thinking that she would let me hold her if I didn't smell like the puppy.  I was wrong.  When the scent was gone, she went crazy running the house.  I finally had to lock her up in the utility room, but we heard her crying all night.  My kids didn't go to school yesterday.  I went to work but wasn't there in mind. Now here I am.  It is a new day.  My kids went to school happier today.  They were fine when I dropped them off so that's reassuring to me.  Now I just have to get through another work day.  Ill make it, but I am in so much turmoil right now.  I just hope that tonight will be ok.  He has to work late again tonight so maybe itll be ok.  My friend, my confidant, from work has been thorugh this herself.  She thinks I should leave him.  She says that things are only going to get worse becuse they did for her.  She thinks I should talk to the kids and see how they feel about me leaving their Dad. She thinks he needs a wake up call.  She said that she wasn't telling me to divorce him, only to seperate for a while and let him see if he can get him self together.  For him to realize what he's got at home and how bad he would miss it if it was gone for good. I know she's right, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  We've tried that before and it never works.  Thing's will be great for a while after he comes back, but then he goes back to drinking and it usually gets worse than it was before he left.  PLus It's right here at Christmas and we are purchasing a house.  My job is in jeapordy.  I cant support these kids by my self. And stupid as I feel.  I love him.  I love him so much and that's why he has so much power over me when he does and says the things he does.    I just don't know what to do......