last night

Last night was terrible.  Not only do I feel worse about myself than I ever have, I have now turned my daughter against me.  My husband and I fought for hours last night.  I am exhausted and trying to work, but I can't focus!  All I can do is keep replaying the night over and over in my head.  I feel hopeless.  I feel sad.  I feel so very very lonely.  I am married, with six children, but I have never felt more alone in my life.  My heart is heavy.  It actually hurts.  According to my husband I am controlling, I am filthy, my house is nasty, I am the cause of my children having learning difficulties, my voice drives him crazy, when he hears it he wants to hurt me to make me shut up, I turned his kids against him, I am sorry because I didn't even finish my college degree I started, I would have nothing if it wasn't for him, nothing.  ARRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!  I don't believe any of this stuff!!! I am a hard working mother!! I love my kids, I clean my house, I spend hours helping them do homework, I pay my bills on time, I go to church, I tried to finish my degree, but can't because of finances, I pay my house note, I pay my car note, I pay for the internet and the credit card bills, I sign the graded papers, I take the kids to the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, I work ten hours a day at work, eight more at night when I get home with housework and kids, I take care of his mother, I cant take it anymore!!!!  I do not owe him my life, I do not owe him my home, my family, my soul, I do not think I can take much more.  Im tired! Im tired of having to be the strong one for the kids, I am tired of the responsibilities, the constant berating, the Im Sorrys that never really hold any meaning, the sleepless nights, the accusing stares, the hateful looks, the same old story over and over and over and over.  I try to be strong but really Im just weak.  Just a lame excuse for the person I fool myself into thinking that I am.  I need release, I need love, I need help, I need sanity.  My daughter has told me that she hates living with me!  My sweet little girl who is on the verge of being a woman.  My 16 year old baby whom has been my light of my life.  I have always protected her, gaurded her, loved her, faught for her, lied for her, all without her even realizing it, and now she hates living with me, because my husband, her step father and I can not exist in the same house without fighting.  I want out but I don't know how.  I want peace but I can't find it.  I want happiness, but it is elusive.  I want my happily ever after.  I want my kids happy and healthy and well.  I want the to feel secure and loved and protected.  I don't know how to deal with this.......