Bad night i forgot to take my trazadone before I went to sleep so needless to say my mind was all over.  I had so many dreams. Right now I feel like cring, screaming, beating the hell out of someone. When Chad came to bed (i know he was just way sleepy now didnt even take out his contacts) walked into the room layed down all hard in the bed facing the other way. I get close and hug him and he coldly does nothing I asked "are you ok" he said "yes why" then i told him " well you didnt even say good night or i love you" he answered "I DONT NEED TO SAY THAT SHIT!......Well that was the perfect catalast for a wonderful night.  The dreams I had were so disturbing.  I still feel like they could be real...I know they arent....All just because I dint take a pill. why the hell cant I just sleep without being put to sleep ? why do I need to feel like shit forit.  I want to be there for my kids and I right now feel like Brit is suffering because of me and I cant stop anything.  Its hard for me to understand how she feels just because of not being inside her mind. But no one else seems to even try to get her.  If she is bipolar like me i pray she isnt but if she is people cant even fathum the pain her mind could be in she isnt medicated for it she wont go to a dr. I cant even talk her into refilling a birth control prescription.  If Im not on my meds things are so confusing. I dont want to think of her there. this condition is the most horible way to be at times I need to help her how how how how how how??!!!! well This day I hope gets better im still waiting for the manic episode that Ive been feeling coming on for nearly a week.  I cant stand my mind racing like this.  I am scared of what this time will bring or even if it hits at all. Why cant I just relax with my life and not worry constantly. well again today seems shitty my writeing says it i cant concentrate Im going to try and read thru some others  stuff get help thru that.