46 days smoke free!

    First of all I can't believe how I have stayed off the smokes during all this mania and constant rapid cycling. Boy, its a bitch!! Actually there are some days I don't even think about a cig but other times I fantasize about lots of puffs and relief to all this craziness, that I have been experiencing since August. 
      I think thats when this episode started after my beach vacation with my family I had a breakdown my 1st day back to Az with my son after one week with my family, which is crazy. My parents have a beautiful beach house in Ocean City,Md on the beach and there were lots of family packed into a  large  3 bedroom suite. It was my Dad, Step-mom, Brother, his 2 friend from Texas, my sister from Seattle, neice Sophia, My Son Sam and myself!!!! 10 people, lots of different energies, I smoked lots and drank a case of non alcoholic beer. There were not enough beds so my son & I slept on the floor half the time, then traded sleeping arrangements with my sister & neice and got the bed half the time. I was  on the med Saphris at the time . I was somewhat tired but I loved hanging on the beach. Now that I think about it I think I was dealing with lots of OCD and racing thoughts, but I feel like an actress sometimes how I try to act & play the part that I am ok.. We stayed pretty busy... waterparks, amusement parks, candy kitchen, boardwalk, lots of crowds and action. My 20 year old brother got hired this summer to be a Shark Catcher for anyone who wanted to see a shark, get pictures with it and he would stay up to 6am determined to catch the shark... and he always did while we were there. Lots of action and hearing my family running out of the house at midnight cause Stephan my brother caught an 8 ft shark.... hurry onto the beach...everyone but me ran out cause I was tired...It makes more sense to me howcome when I got home I had a total emotional breakdown, missed work again, had to start a new medicine,  the pdoc I hate prescribed me Luvox. Boy, its been a journey...
Well today Friday I missed work, went to see my brand new therapist who specializes in Mood Disorders, it was a great meeting. Talked about my history, the fact that since I have lived in Az I have had 2 bonehead pdoc's who are awful!!! The therapist helped me fill out my short term disability paperwork. These doc's would get me somewhat stable for a year than I would fall apart. Her name is Dr. Fran ... I might have struck gold with her and how attentive she is to me. We are meeting next Mon 2 hrs and thurs 1 hr.
Went to some of the AA meeting at noon, sometimes I  feel sooooo disconnented there. I keep going back cause I don't want to drink and start all this shit over again. I want to get better, not go backwards anymore did that for years.... always regressing, always relapsing, always being a victim, always abusing myself, lots of failed relationships, finally I truly got SICK & TIRED of fighting a losing battle. I have some meetings I enjoy... guess like anything.
Made sure I walked the new puppy at least 3x today. Got my son from the bus, than I went to my friday bipolar group. Amazing how consistant I have been at the group... its good cause they can see the progression of this illness and this f-up med I am on!!!!
I just have to make it through this weekend...so I can see my new pdoc on Mon. I will be okay, its in Gods hands , and I should say my serenity prayer lots. I am suppose to hike Sat morning with a friend from the BP group. That should help to get some fresh air and be in nature!!! Thats one of my favorite activites is hiking!!!