Things are no better.  David still refuses to do homework.  Paul went to school today and sat in on two classes.  David does not even bother to take notes.  Paul talked with teachers and vice principal and guidance counselor.  We have a parent meeting on 10/14 with team of teachers to come up with a plan.  He still talks to us and looks at us like "how dare you tell me what to do."  I looked into the military school.  No doubt in my mind they would turn him around.  After seeing the difference in him at karate, no doubt that 24/7 regimen and getting him into that environment would benefit him greatly.  Wonderful school but $36k per year.  I am all for it.  Paul refuses to spend the money.  Paul's father worked 3 jobs and his mother worked full time (and this was years ago when this was unheard of) to pay for him to go to private college prep Catholic boys school in Jersey City.  I told him this AM that he was selfish.  He says "yes I am."  End of discussion.   Phone calls at work, stress, just going crazy.  Also, Kona now has crystals in her urine and has to permanently be on prescription dog food as she is going to get kidney stones and kidney problems.  $61 for a bag of dog food.  Cannot get anywhere else but from vet.  I love my little girl.  She is my true joy in life and basically my calm at this point.  It is what it is.  But Paul gripes over the money.  Thank God I am still allowed to give her a dog biscuit or 2.  I am so overwhelmed at this point.  Failure is obviously not an option.  Trying to take all of this one day at a time.   I feel so guilty.  I love my son but right now, I don't like him.  Plain and simple.  I don't like his behavior, his attitude.  I look at him and I just want to walk in the other room.  I don't want to talk to him.  I don't want to spend time with him.  I dread anything that comes out of his mouth.  My mom says I have to get out of the negative.  There is too much negative energy here.  How do I turn this all around?  I can't make David want to do his work.  I can't make him like school.  I can't make him pay attention.   Paul is right now at the doctor's to get a recommendation for a psychiatrist/psychologist for depression.   I have been having occasional anxiety attacks lately, especially while driving.  I guess my brain starts going and then I get dizzy spells and a feeling like I am not getting enough oxygen and feel like I am going to pass out.  Not cool to have this happen while driving.  It is rare to happen anywhere else but it has happened elsewhere.  I have to start writing down when it happens and what leads up to it.  It wasn't too bad today.  Was able to "talk" myself down before I had to pull over.  Bridges and heights before were the trigger.  But have noticed, like today, that sometimes just sitting at a red light for a few minutes (that anticipation or whatever) can sometimes trigger it.  Sometimes sipping water helps.  So I have been trying to keep water with me in the car.   And our annual benefits election is coming up and I can kiss what ever raise I get goodbye with the increase that comes out of my paycheck.  Plus, I am hearing there is a new $3,000 deductible.  Like I said, kiss my raise goodbye.   I am praying this break will help me put my head back on.  I am also praying that Paul and David don't kill each other while I am gone.  OMG!  I can hear it now.  Paul calling me constantly at my Dad's to tell me what my son did.  My son then calling me to tell me what Paul did.  Trying not to think about it before it happens.  But if it is like that, no sense in going!  I am determined to read my new book to try to change ME.  I can't change them.  I know this.  This is where my frustration lies.  How do you accept the unacceptable?