Stephen left the house last night at 10pm to 'run over to his friends place' to see if his bus pass was there.... I finally went to bed at 2am with no sign of him. Woke up a few times - no sign of him. So, logically I know that he stayed there (PROBABLY PLAYING VIDEO GAMES), or whatever, but no phone call, no contact, no nothing. It’s so frustrating. And to top it off, he has a 9am appointment with his probation officer. Why the hell am I worrying about this stuff? He can't pull his shit together and lands back in jail??? Not my fault right? Yeah, wish it was that easy…         So he finally called my work at 10:30am. Oh, he decided to spend the night there since it's so close to the PO's office and of course, he couldn't find his bus pass (more on that later). So, that's great, I just had to sit and wonder and worry all night, but glad you had a great time. KEEP IN MIND HE DIDN'T COME HOME SUNDAY NITE EITHER AND HE WAS THERE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. Didn't get home until 3pm the next day. Again, I got a ‘sorry…. Oooops.’        He is up for PROBATION VIOLATION. He faces 18 months STRAIGHT TIME if he is found to be in violation. Straight time = no work release, no nothing. He has tested positive on every drug test she has given him since he got out. That alone can land him in jail. Does he seem to care? No. she has found him an in-patient treatment center willing to take him (even tho he is POSITIVE and usually you have to be CLEAN to get in these places). DOES HE CHECK HIMSELF IN? No. just a lot of empty promises. Job prospects? None that I know of. I think you actually have to go places and apply in order to be hired. NA or AA meetings? Please, he has better things to do I guess.        I am soo frustrated. We have no money. He stole it all from my purse this weekend. What a terrible weekend it was. We fought the whole time. I packed all of his shit and put it in bags on the front porch. Sent a text to the loser he was with and told him to tell Steve that his shit was packed he could pick it up in the morning. Well, that got his ass home pretty quick I’ll tell you. He’s staying for now, but I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. The money stuff just pisses me off. THANK THE LORD, that I had money he didn’t know about and was able to buy some groceries, but they have to last us for the next 2 weeks until I get paid again (which is going to rent and the electric company). I hate living nickel to nickel, praying that we get by. It sure doesn’t seem to bother him.        Anyway, luckily he did make it to his PO appointment. She told him he needs to make positive steps and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, she can convince her boss to drop the violation action. So I asked him, what he was going to do. HUH? He asked, what do you mean? WHAT KIND OF STEPS ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE????? His list: get a job, go to meetings, get into treatment, etc… well; I will believe it when I see it…. I’ve been asking for all of this for weeks now – no, make that months.         Well, I can’t ramble any longer. There is soo much more, but I’m tired of thinking about this and dealing with it. Oh yeah, one more thing… He hung up on me by the way, and wouldn’t answer when I tried calling back. Like I mentioned earlier, he may have lost his bus pass (oh, I’m sure he did, since that would be just typical and we don’t have a DIME to replace it. Well, too damn bad. Guess you will have to walk sucker). I spent my very last $16 dollars to buy him that damn thing – had to use pennies to cover the whole amount. Tell me that isn’t freaking EMBARRASING?! Anyway, the very least that he has been doing is donating plasma twice a week to get some money – money that I never see since the second he gets it he calls his dealer. Well, he promised up and down that he would give me the $20 that he makes today. PROMISES, PROMISES. I have heard them all and they never come true. So, don’t think I was actually planning on that money, but seriously, I really need it. So, when we were talking, I asked him if he was still planning on donating (his PO gave him a buss pass to use). Well, he said he would if he could make it over there. He’s going to get started on some leads she gave him on jobs. Oh really? So that $20 you promised me is just a pipe dream again, right? No matter that last night I gave him my last 3 dollars so he could buy a soda and chips (don’t even get me started on that). So he hung up on me. And didn’t answer the 2 times I tried calling him back. I sent him a text msg saying that I thought it was bogus (called it typical behavior). No reply. Keep in mind, and this is humorous – I’m sending text messages to my own phone. He managed to get his phone stolen last week. Let some LOSER borrow it and he turned around and the snake was gone. He even knows the guy who took it, but I’m sure we’ll never see it again. I can’t afford to replace it. Hell, it’s entirely possible our electricity is going to be turned off next week. This was a brand new phone too. OK, maybe not entirely his fault, but don’t let someone you hardly know use your phone for god’s sake. I was so mad! So, now I am stuck without a phone during the day because he “needs” it. Yeah, to keep in touch with his crummy dealers. God, I am so done with this. Things have GOT TO CHANGE or honestly, I don’t think I can take much more. When I can’t even afford to feed my cats for god’s sake, then it is ridiculous. If only he gave a shit about something besides that fucking crack. God, if only…        Well, this is one long ramble, and I apologize if there is someone who is actually reading it. I just needed to get it out. Hell, I could go on for pages and pages, but I just can’t deal with it anymore. Went to the doctor Monday for my stomach problems and it looks like I’m on my way to an ulcer. Waiting on the test results from the blood work. I’ve lost about 40 pounds throughout this whole ordeal – NOT THAT I AM COMPLAINING, since I am back to the weight I want to be. But can’t he see the stress he is putting me under? Sure he can see it, but he doesn’t care. That is the problem. HE JUST DOESN’T CARE! And that really hurts….