I've been having a bit of a hard week, but I shouldn't complain too much. I have a deep pain in my heart, an emptiness because of my brother. We used to be so close, and now he isn't the same person I grew up with, in fact, he's become someone I dislike and I feel guilty because of it. In a sense, I feel a little abandonedby him. On top if that, my anxiety has grown to astronomical levels. It isn't even in social siturations, it's just that I have fear for things that are irrational and out of my control. I have constant adrenaline, I always feel like I'm in some sort of danger and when I don't hear from people I care about I always think of the worst possible scenario happening to them. It's completely irrational and I know it but it's so hard to block those thoughts and feelings. On the other hand, sometimes I'll be really calm, sitting in a comfy chair reading a book, when suddenly I get a rush of adrenaline for no reason and I'm fearful for a good while after that. But I have to be positive. I do great in school. For the most part my family is harmonious. I'm in good health physically. I have no enemies, that I know of haha, and the small group of friends that I do have are very sympathetic and supportive. When I think about it, my life is pretty much in control right now, and I have to tell myself that the deep problems that do torment me have a purpose, and every problem has a solution. It's just a matter of searching.
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I am so sorry to hear about you and your brother. I am going through the same thing, though the reasons for the distancing may be different. I used to think my sister was the coolest person in the world, and I used to pretend to myself that she was the older sister and I was the younger one because I liked having her to look up to. Now, I don\'t know who she has turned into, other than everything we used to make fun of and exactly the kind of person I never want to be. We rarely talk to each other all day. When we do, I feel stiff and awkward. This was someone I told EVERYTHING to. Now, I can\'t think of a thing I would want to share with her. I keep finding ways of keeping busy with other things so I don\'t have to be with her. But despite all of that, there is indeed a giant hole inside that has yet to be filled by anyone or anything else. The worst part? She doesn\'t comprehend how much she has hurt me and doesn\'t seem to care that we are quickly losing touch.
I\'m so sorry to hear about your hurt and your anxiety.
For what it may be worth, I feel a real emotional distance now from a friend I\'ve had for a number of years. I\'m really torn between wanting to experience that connection to the past that I get through him, and needing emotional security (meaning: stop talking to him).
Anyway, again, I\'m sorry to hear about your anxiety.
I hope you will feel better really soon.