Well, I've done it again.  I am going in a cirle it seems. I sleep most of the day.  For that, I feel bad. I feel lazy,weak,and dumb.  I guess the word, "loser" would sum it up.  Now, these are the thoughts that really go through my mind.  Of course, I don't tell my family, friends,nieghbors,are sad to say, sponsor, any of this.  On occacions I don't even mention this to my therapist nor phycitrist, becuase deep down inside I think, that they think, all of the negative things about myself that I have just listed above are true.   The very first goal that I listed when i found this site a few days ago was, "to be happy".   I did'nt list,to be size 0,to be rich, or to find the love of my life. You see, I believe.........no, I know that none of these things can make me happy. They might enrich my life, but they will not solve the problems deep within me.  Like the fact that I have spent most of my life trying to live up to the expectations of what I think, other people expect me to be.      Thus, I am very content when i am juggling jobs, multi-tasking, cleaning my home like my life depended on it, or dishing out monetary funds to any and everyone, that I think needs it.  So, now I am out on disability, my husband has gone, thus taking away my titile that I worked so damn hard for, for so many damn years of, "The Perfect Housewife".  I  tell you people, self-pity is not pretty.  Becuse if you saw me today, with my hair sticking on top my head, and bedroom a wreck...........well let's just say, "It ain't a pretty sight".