I surfed the net. Anxiety clinging to me like great wieghts. Heavy, pulling, in my gut. I feel abandoned, rejected, unwanted.  I need closer.  I hold on to my husband like i would lose my breath if i let go.  Divorce is trecherous. He tells me to stay.  He is sorry for what he has done.  He tells me that I try so hard to do everything right for him.  He says he doesnt know why he did what he did. He says he loves me.  He doesnt know why he rejected me, tormented me, watch my tears fall like rain.  He says, I am not to blame.  He was the hero of our family. The strenght and the foundation.  Then one day it all came crumbling down.  The woman he destroyed his familyfor is bankrupting him.  She tells him "I am not your wife, I dont do that" He cries and suffers.  I do not feel any pleasure in "I told you so"  Now it is too late.  He begs me to take him back...again.  I think how he left us.  Yelling at me and the kids to get out our own house.  Eight year old wet  from urine, school calls, nightmares, "Mama, is daddy bad now?"  For the first time in their young lives they knew what fear was.  Call from mistress, "he says your are his little puppy dog" laughter cracks from the phone.  My pride is crushed.  For once upon a time we were proud of this man.  He has become the snake.  He has bitten me more than enough times.  This time he drew blood. And, so i am tired of pain, fear, and suffering.   I look into his eyes and say, "The sad thing is,that.........I couldnt be with you even if I wanted to. Self preservation......has finally kick in."           For: my two precious little ones.