I have to deal with it again. I feel depression coming on. Nights are the worst. Feeling incompetent, feeling like I am too far down the hole I dug and can't get out. Feel like there is no one around me who will help. And feeling like I need help, that I can't do it on my own.
I think I have made the same mistakes I made before ... time and time again, and can't make the changes I need to. Funny, I know what I need to do but it seems so drastic that everyone will know I am in trouble and that will just make me more of a loser than I already am.
The people I am hanging out with are happy with their lives. But they don't have any aspirations, they don't have children they are worried about leaving some kind of legacy or some financial stability to when they die. And I think I am going to die soon so I am running out of time ! 
I am still stuck on not having a girlfriend. I just dated a woman who turned out to be weak and a ho. So I can't even keep a piece of trash as my woman. Still, for some reason, trying to use that as a measure of social success or something, I feel less than a man because I can't get a good woman. And I just can't accept that. Kind of like that saying "behind every successful man is a great woman". I want to achieve happiness, but financially, romantically and spiritually but am striking out, time and time again.
So, maybe when I rest, when I stay to myself a few days and get my mind working at a more productive speed , I can leave this emotional bullshit alone, this acting off of my emotional feelings instead of my logical, rationalizing brain and get out of this funk.
I did buy a new weight bench last week and have been pretty steady about exercising so thats something. And I am also taking the time to explore a new business I am getting ready to get into. So life isn't coming to a grinding halt for me it just isn't fun right now. Thanks for reading and have a great night!!!