I have been searching for a forum that I can just hide at. One that I can journal and be anonymous and do some journaling because I just need to write what I am going through somewhere.
I am in the process of applying for disability. It has been such a horribly humiliating experience for me that I just don't even care if I get it. Once work found out that I was applying I was treated like shit. I worked so hard for them and when they needed me when we were short-handed I did the work of many. Once I told them I was filing you would have thought that Fibro, migraines and pain were open oozing sores.
I am home now...I thought turning my resignation in would be emotional as I enjoyed what I did. I was absolutely joyful that day and now I am home with my husband and dog. I can have as many pain days as I need. I don't like having them but that is my life now.
Today is a really bad pain day...I've taken 2 pain meds plus one of my anti-anxiety med as when I am in this much pain I fall into a really dark place in my head. I just want to curl up and cry or just not be here. sigh...I know that I have a lot to live for...I have than a lot have in their life...I have an adoring husband that is by my side and fully understands my challenges. I have 3 wonderful grown children that have done well and are close to me and love me very much...they have blessed me with 4 beautiful grandchildren that I can see anytime the mood strikes me (and the mood strikes often). I should have no complaints and I really should have no reason to cry.
On days like this I try to give myself permission to cry and be upset but I try really hard not go and count my medication. On the days of the worst pain I go and count all of my pain meds and my sleeping pills....I know it is something that I shouldn't do as it just puts ideas in my head because when I do that I am calculating if it is enough to make my 'transition' painless. I am so tired of being in pain...so tired.
I am in the process of applying for disability. It has been such a horribly humiliating experience for me that I just don't even care if I get it. Once work found out that I was applying I was treated like shit. I worked so hard for them and when they needed me when we were short-handed I did the work of many. Once I told them I was filing you would have thought that Fibro, migraines and pain were open oozing sores.
I am home now...I thought turning my resignation in would be emotional as I enjoyed what I did. I was absolutely joyful that day and now I am home with my husband and dog. I can have as many pain days as I need. I don't like having them but that is my life now.
Today is a really bad pain day...I've taken 2 pain meds plus one of my anti-anxiety med as when I am in this much pain I fall into a really dark place in my head. I just want to curl up and cry or just not be here. sigh...I know that I have a lot to live for...I have than a lot have in their life...I have an adoring husband that is by my side and fully understands my challenges. I have 3 wonderful grown children that have done well and are close to me and love me very much...they have blessed me with 4 beautiful grandchildren that I can see anytime the mood strikes me (and the mood strikes often). I should have no complaints and I really should have no reason to cry.
On days like this I try to give myself permission to cry and be upset but I try really hard not go and count my medication. On the days of the worst pain I go and count all of my pain meds and my sleeping pills....I know it is something that I shouldn't do as it just puts ideas in my head because when I do that I am calculating if it is enough to make my 'transition' painless. I am so tired of being in pain...so tired.
Replies
I know it\'s hard. I\'ve been there myself. If it weren\'t for my kids, I don\'t know what I would have done by now. When I was working full time (sometimes up to 70+ hours a week), I would come home, collapse, and sob. My husband tried to help when he could, but he was dealing with serious depression at the time. The only way I was able to cope at all, was to distract myself. I would take \"me\" day. If I felt too bad to go out, I\'d read or binge watch Netflix. Anything to get my mind off of how I was feeling. Massage therapy has been one of the only things that has made an actual difference in the pain. My last one specialized in geriatric massage. That lady had the magic touch. Finding other people who\'ve been through what I\'ve been through, who TRULY understand what I\'ve experienced, has helped more than I ever thought possible. You\'re not alone. I hope things get better for you.