Friday, June 6, 2008 -- Update I am feeling much better this afternoon than I did during the morning. The session with my social worker went quite well. We talked about how anger can affect the pain I am having, and how the pain can affect anger. Then he described to me how the combination of the two of them might cause me to have more depression. It was a very informative session. We talked about the pain I have been having, and the possible remedies for it. They range from continuing the physical therapy, getting more intensive and diverse therapy, and as a last resort, surgery. I said that I was okay with everything except the surgery. He said that he understood why I felt that way. I told him that I had an issue that I needed to talk with him about, possibly during our next session. He asked me what it was about, and I told him that I had developed some type of fear of leaving my apartment and going places. He said that was called "agoraphobia." He agreed with me that it was an important issue in my life, and that I needed to work on it, especially during the summer when I am able to get out of my apartment and go places. I said that I was afraid of being stuck in the middle of nowhere. He said that I should consider getting a cell phone. I said that I had been working on that for more than a year, but had not yet made any firm decision. He said that he would probably want me to bring my sister with me for a session early in July. I said before I did that, I wanted to have some ideas about what he intended for us to talk about. He said he needed my brother and sister to understand that a lot of my depression has been caused by my relationship -- or lack of it -- with them. He also said that he would meet with my brother later. Prior to our session, while I was sitting in the waiting room, I suddenly heard someone call my name. I looked up and saw that it was my former therapist (Lucy). She wanted to know how I was doing, and I said that I thought I was doing better than I had been. She seemed honestly pleased by this. Although we had problems when she was my therapist, I had always liked her for trying to help me. I just had a good feeling today when she took the time to say something to me on her way down the hall. It is hard for me to explain my feelings, but it made me feel good to believe that she actually cared about me. My next session with the social worker is on June 23. I really hope I do not have any large problems before then.
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If you have a large problem? Call your therapist! Let him know, so you don\'t have a long list of stuff you have to try to remember. I\'m pretty certain they go into the profession knowing they may get phone calls!
Weeble Hugs and Mojo!
Jim, I developed agoraphobia after my nervous breakdown. It passed. I think yours will too.
How do you feel about your brother and sister meeting your therapist? I would be really scared.
I\'ve been following how challenging all of this is for you and it amazes me how you are able to just roll with the punches sometimes.
I think a lot of people really care about you. Reading your journal over the last while has helped my healing and inspired me to roll with the punches more often. I look forward to checking your journal everyday. The progress is there. It was not long ago you couldn\'t be comfortable with compliments or feeling cared about. You felt good Lucy cares about you. Progress!
I carry my therapist\'s phone number with me wherever I go just in case there is an emergency of some kind. But just because I have his number, does not mean I will use it. That is a completely different matter. Having it and using it are two different things. There have been a couple of times when I have called him either to set up an appointment, or because he has asked me to call. He has always been kind and receptive to my calls. I think he likes me, and even felt that way during the two years that he was not working with me. He is one of the few people I can sit down and talk with very easily. I feel a strange connection there. It is almost as if we were meant to find one another. Whatever it is, it certainly is working.
As for the agoraphobia, I started feeling that when I began using drugs and started staying home a lot. I think I can overcome it even though it will be somewhat of a struggle.
I am still not sure that people care about me. That is not meant as a way to get pity or sympathy. I do not believe in that. It is just a negative way I feel about myself. One of the things I try to do here is to try and help others in some way. If I can do that even a tiny bit, I will have felt that I have done something worthwhile. That makes me feel good.
Good point Samadian... In spite of how snarky I sound from time to time, I look forward to Jim\'s journals too. It means my friend is still here.
Karen, I owe you an apology. I thought that the word \"snarky\" was something that you had made up. It really is in the dictionary! I know, because I just looked to see.
LOLOL!!!!!!!!! I got if from I British friend years ago.