Thursday, May 29, 2008 -- 11:20 AM   Things are not going very well this morning. I misplaced some important papers that I need to fill out and turn in for the state in order to keep receiving some benefits. I thought I would go crazy before I finally found them. At the same time that was happening, I began looking at papers from the Freedom Service Dogs, and became very frustrated about that.   My social worker at the mental health clinic, and my psychologist, both want me to get a skilled service dog. In looking over the paperwork, I feel that I need a companion dog instead. Why get a dog that has been trained for specialized skills if I do not need all of that? Due to all of the worrying about this, as well as misplacing those papers for the state, I had a bad panic attack this morning.   Because of these problems, I had to cancel my physical therapy appointment. I know that it is important for me to get the therapy, but I really felt too stressed-out. I feel as though I am going to have another panic attack, so I am going to take some more medicine, and try and take a short nap in a little while.   I ran my antivirus program on my computer this morning. It was loaded with viruses, some of which I could delete, and others that I just had to move to a chest. My computer is running a lot better now, so I guess that was the right thing to do.   I had a good visit with my psychologist yesterday. Before I went to her office, I felt primed and ready to talk about some of my trauma issues. That was unusual for me because I had been pretty much beating around the bush ever since I first went there.   After she got seated, she proceeded to ask me what I wanted to talk about during my session. I told her that I needed to talk about some things that occurred with my mother when I was a child. I told her that I had been having flashbacks to that time, and some of the sexual abuse that occurred then.   I found it amazing that I had been remembering details that I had overlooked before. They were not major ones, but I could accurately describe the kitchen table that my mother used to place me on when she gave a physical therapy. I also remembered that she had removed most of my clothing (with the exception of my underwear) when giving me this therapy. I do not know what I thought about it at the time, but now I cannot understand why she did that unless it was part of the sexual abuse.   I told her that I mind was bubbling over with other things I had started to remember. I then listed three of them for her. I had made these in the comments section of my journal entries. "First, I see myself as a small child who is being victimized against my will. Second, I see everything that is happening just as though I am watching a movie. Third, and perhaps most frightening of all, I have this inner feeling that I want the abuse to keep continuing."   My psychologist seemed to feel good about what I had remembered. I was told not to be afraid of any of it.  as for my feeling of wanting the abuse to continue, she said it might mean that I might be grieving over the loss of  a personal contact with someone. We are supposed to talk about that at another time.   Although my time was not yet up, she decided that we needed to change the subject because discussing my trauma would take much more time than we had. She even told me that I might need to start seeing her twice a week rather than once. I am not quite sure how I can squeeze another day in my schedule until I finish getting my physical therapy.   Quotes for Success:   “The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.”   Lady Nancy Astor