Wednesday, May 28 -- 9:40 AM   I am going to see my psychologist this afternoon. It does not seem as if I am getting very far with her, although I suspect that is more my fault that hers. I have been in counseling in the past, and I have always needed someone to give me a push -- someone to tell me what we are going to talk about during the day and to pose questions to me. This therapist does not do that.   When I first met her, she said she was not going to push me into talking about my trauma, but would leave it up to me to decide when I wanted to start talking about it. That has been a hard thing for me to do. I do not enjoy talking about my past, especially when it comes to the abuse that I sustained.   I struggle when it comes to talking about sexual matters with a woman. That is probably not how most men feel, but it does to me. I was raised not to talk about certain things in front of women, and even though I did not understand why at the time, my parental upbringing is hurting me now because I need to talk about these matters.   For most of this week, I have been having dreams and flashbacks reminding me of the sexual abuse that I had as a child. I am at the point today where I have a strong need to discuss this with my therapist. Whether or not I can do this remains to be seen. I have the intellectual ability to do so, but I am not sure whether I can vocalize my thoughts.   Last night, I made another entry on the PTSD board. It concluded my life as a child and young adult. That was the first chapter of my life, and now I have to decide if I am going to continue with the Journal on the second part of my life. If I do, I am strongly considering beginning another thread because this one has gotten extremely long. I guess I could call this, "My Life Part Two" or something like that. (That is not exactly what I would call a catchy title.)   Now that I have begun writing in the PTSD journal, my thoughts and remembrances of things that occurred in the past has started bubbling to the surface. I feel a strong need within me to spit them out so that they might not continue hurting me on the inside. It has become much easier for me to write about these things. As long as I am in the right mood, I feel that I should continue writing as long as possible.   Quotes for Success:   “One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.”   Arthur Ashe