Wednesday, May 28 -- 9:40 AM I am going to see my psychologist this afternoon. It does not seem as if I am getting very far with her, although I suspect that is more my fault that hers. I have been in counseling in the past, and I have always needed someone to give me a push -- someone to tell me what we are going to talk about during the day and to pose questions to me. This therapist does not do that. When I first met her, she said she was not going to push me into talking about my trauma, but would leave it up to me to decide when I wanted to start talking about it. That has been a hard thing for me to do. I do not enjoy talking about my past, especially when it comes to the abuse that I sustained. I struggle when it comes to talking about sexual matters with a woman. That is probably not how most men feel, but it does to me. I was raised not to talk about certain things in front of women, and even though I did not understand why at the time, my parental upbringing is hurting me now because I need to talk about these matters. For most of this week, I have been having dreams and flashbacks reminding me of the sexual abuse that I had as a child. I am at the point today where I have a strong need to discuss this with my therapist. Whether or not I can do this remains to be seen. I have the intellectual ability to do so, but I am not sure whether I can vocalize my thoughts. Last night, I made another entry on the PTSD board. It concluded my life as a child and young adult. That was the first chapter of my life, and now I have to decide if I am going to continue with the Journal on the second part of my life. If I do, I am strongly considering beginning another thread because this one has gotten extremely long. I guess I could call this, "My Life Part Two" or something like that. (That is not exactly what I would call a catchy title.) Now that I have begun writing in the PTSD journal, my thoughts and remembrances of things that occurred in the past has started bubbling to the surface. I feel a strong need within me to spit them out so that they might not continue hurting me on the inside. It has become much easier for me to write about these things. As long as I am in the right mood, I feel that I should continue writing as long as possible. Quotes for Success: “One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.” Arthur Ashe
Replies
Jim, you can try to talk about it. Just let some words out. No one fill force you to keep going if it\'s that difficult for you. Just remember, you\'re talking about personal things, but your therapist should be trained to hear them \'clinically\'. And you already know, it almost never winds up being about the \'what\' was done to you, but the why and how - by jerks who intimidated you. The misuse of power.
Love ya bunchies - and I have faith in you.
Weeble Hugs and Mojo
Thank you, Karen. My therapist is a smart woman. It is hard to sneak anything past her -- I should know because I have tried and gotten caught. She told me that when she was a child, both she and a brother were sexually abused. She also said that she did not think there was anything I could tell her that she had not heard before.
Until now, I had just been telling her about some of the things that happened to me. She said there was a lot more that I was skipping, and she was right. During the past week, my thoughts have turned to \"why\" the abuse was done to me. I cannot see how I brought this upon myself. That brings me to understanding pedophiles -- I don\'t understand them at all. If I go that far in my thinking, it means that my mother was one as well. The thought of that sickens me.
You have more faith in me than I have in myself. Maybe you should go see my psychologist, and I will read a good book or something like that.
Jim
Jim,
Do you find at times you have almost reverted to the child or the age you were when the abuse you remember is surfacing? I noticed that at times. Along with the painful memory I\'d have some craving or some other behavior associated with that age. Isn\'t it fascinating how our brains work?
I think it\'s important to mention the flashbacks to the therapist but I\'d also trust my instincts on it. You must feel safe to talk.
You can always feel safe talking with me.
Sam
Your mother is a whole other issue... A whole other phenomenon. I think you need to separate things out a little. She and the rest are all guilty but come from very different places in their purpose.
And remember - what they did to you IS NOT why you were put on this earth. It started too young, and you were malleable. You are working NOW at changing your thought patterns. I think you\'ve done really well in the year plus that I\'ve known you. Please, give yourself credit.
Weeble needs a nap.....
Sam, I see everything in a variety of ways. First, I see myself as a small child who is being victimized against my will. Second, I see everything that is happening just as though I am watching a movie. Third, and perhaps most frightening of all, I have this inner feeling that I want the abuse to keep continuing. (Scary, huh?)
Weeble, I have tried separating my mother from the rest, and I can, for the most part, do that.
I know that I cannot change the past, but if I work hard enough I might be able to see it from a different perspective -- someday. You have to remember, I like things to be done overnight.
Lastly, I have been working on things throughout the past year. You have helped me a lot. Now and then, I do try to give myself credit for trying to get my life in the proper order. It is hard for me to be nice to myself. I don\'t know the why of that, and I suspect that one of my therapists is going to have to explain that to me sooner or later.
Jim