Saturday, May 10, 2008 -- Update   This evening I feel as if I am at the bottom of a very deep pit. It is dark and gloomy. The walls are very moist and prohibit me from clinging to them as I try to make my way up into the world.   Nothing seems right in my life, and everything feels wrong. There is nothing but pain and loneliness. I sometimes wish that I had never been brought into this life.   For most of my life, I have been friendless except for those cruel people who would use me to serve their own purposes.   I live in this godforsaken desert because of my own stupidity. My family exists, yet I often feel that they do not see me. They feel that I am living in a good place just because I am close to them in proximity, but they could not be further from the truth.   The hate that I have for those people who sexually abused me has no bounds. I hated myself before I met them, and they just added to my hate. I would like to destroy myself, but I do not have the courage.   My days and nights are becoming filled with memories of the pain and torture inflicted upon me by others. I do not know how much longer I can go before I finally get the strength to end my life.   I owe many debts of gratitude to my friends at Daily Strength who have tried so hard to give me help, support, and positive encouragement. Countless members deserve your kindness far more than I do. Please do not waste your time on me for I am not worth it.