Saturday, May 10, 2008 -- Update This evening I feel as if I am at the bottom of a very deep pit. It is dark and gloomy. The walls are very moist and prohibit me from clinging to them as I try to make my way up into the world. Nothing seems right in my life, and everything feels wrong. There is nothing but pain and loneliness. I sometimes wish that I had never been brought into this life. For most of my life, I have been friendless except for those cruel people who would use me to serve their own purposes. I live in this godforsaken desert because of my own stupidity. My family exists, yet I often feel that they do not see me. They feel that I am living in a good place just because I am close to them in proximity, but they could not be further from the truth. The hate that I have for those people who sexually abused me has no bounds. I hated myself before I met them, and they just added to my hate. I would like to destroy myself, but I do not have the courage. My days and nights are becoming filled with memories of the pain and torture inflicted upon me by others. I do not know how much longer I can go before I finally get the strength to end my life. I owe many debts of gratitude to my friends at Daily Strength who have tried so hard to give me help, support, and positive encouragement. Countless members deserve your kindness far more than I do. Please do not waste your time on me for I am not worth it.
Replies
The memories are just that now - memories. You are not and were not stupid. You were \'formed\' against your will. But note the past tense. The memories can\'t hurt you. Because you know NOW that NO MEANS NO. Shout it out right now - NO MEANS NO.
And excuse me, but I decide what\'s worth my time, you don\'t.
Weeble hugs and Toughlove Mojo.
Hiya Jim,
I think you are worth it. I know that can be uncomfortable to read when you are so wrapped up in those feelings others gave you.
You are an amazing writer. You are a very understanding and kind person. You are incredibly strong to have survived such torture. You are taking steps to break the cycle of abuse and negative emotions. That in itself is very, very brave. Braver than any of your abusers.
I\'ve often thought that oppression breeds excellence. There are so many examples of this, including you.
I think suicidal feelings are part of the package when you suffer sexual abuse. Especially incest. It causes this storm inside that you are forced to live with, and then forced to deny it\'s there. How exhausting and depressing for anyone.
I have the energy to end my life. I choose not to because one thing I do know for sure is that things change. If I could endure the abuse and the internal storm for soooo long, I can hold out for a little longer and wait until it passes. You\'ve taken the steps to stop the storm. The storm is fighting you back right now.
The world needs more empathy and understanding than ever before. Please stay with us and help us fight. We are all connected.
Hugs and kindness,
Sam
Jim I don\'t like to hear you talk this way.We all love you here, hang in there hugs and hugs-Stephanie