Friday, May 9, 2008 -- 6:30 PM   This is another one of those days when I am not feeling too well. It is hard for me to tolerate the fluctuations in my level of pain. Most of the time I have it, but every now and then I have one or two days that are almost pain-free. I wish that I would either have pain or not. This constant changing from one way to the other is hard to stand.   Last night I had an unexpected visitor. The person who used to sell me crack cocaine for about five years stopped by to see me. He said he had not heard from me in a long time and was just wondering how I was doing. I doubt if that was the entire truth. In the past, just the sight of him has been enough to make me feel a rush crashing through my body. It always caused me to make a buy from him right then and there. Last night was different. Although I felt the beginnings of that same rush, I somehow managed to fend it off. I told him that I was not using drugs any longer. He looked somewhat surprised, but told me that I was probably better off that way. I doubt if he will be around anymore.   I went to the mental health clinic and saw my therapist late this morning. We both agreed that it was not enough for me to just stop using drugs, but that I needed to determine what had caused me to use them in the first place. He said he felt that I had started in order to get back at my family for one reason or another. I told him that every counselor or therapist I had seen at the clinic had told me the same thing. He wants my sister to see him with me sometime in June. I said that I had no problem with that, and had already talked with her about it. At that time, my sister said she would be willing to come there.   My therapist said he would also like to meet my brother, and sometime after that have a meeting with all three of us -- my brother, sister, and I. Seeing my sister was one thing, I told him, but getting together with my brother was going to be somewhat more difficult. He said he wanted me to send my brother an e-mail about coming to a family conference. I refused to do that. I said that my brother and I did not get along with one another and that frankly I was afraid of him. If my therapist wants to talk to my brother directly, I am quite willing to provide his phone number, but that is as far as I will go.   He asked what I was involved in now. I explained to him about the service dogs, and how I was trying to get one. He said he liked the idea and would do whatever he could to help me. I explained that my doctor's social worker was already working on it, and he requested that I give permission for him to talk with her. I agreed to do that, but we both managed to forget it before I left his office.   By the time I got home this afternoon, there was an e-mail waiting for me from my social worker. She said she had gotten the name of another agency from one of her coworkers, and asked if I was familiar with the agency. I was not, so I looked it up on the Internet. (When you have read about one of these agencies, you have pretty much read about all of them, or so it seems to me.)   I wrote to my social worker telling her about the therapist I was seeing at the mental health clinic, and giving her permission to talk with him about my case. I also provided her with his name and phone number. I said that I would not make any decisions about what agency I wanted to go to until after I visited the Freedom Service Dogs. I am hoping to do that within the next two weeks.   It seems to me that the deeper I get into this, the more complex it is becoming. I am almost at the point where I feel as though I would like to back out of the whole thing, but my therapist says he is not going to let me do that. He said that I made a decision to try and do something, so I need to go forward to see that it is actually done. (I know that he is right, but once again, I am beginning to feel as though I am being pulled in two different directions -- by two agencies -- at the same time.) How did I ever get involved in this in the first place?   Quotes for Success:   “Success is still the constant application of the Golden Rule.”   Anonymous