Friday, April 11, 2008 -- 10:27 AM   Although I have only been out of bed about an hour today, I am already upset with the way things are going for me. It seems as though I am starting to go through one of those times as I did in the past when I hated life and no longer wanted to go on living.   I do not like to be abused by anyone, yet I feel that is exactly what happened to me this morning. My primary care physician apparently called someone from my home health care agency and said that I needed to use leg splints when I go to bed, because of some sores that are on the heels of my feet. This information was told to me by my home health care nurse who came to see me this morning. As she was telling me about the doctor's orders, she started waving her finger at me and raising her voice. Although I am sure she did not mean it in an unkind way, it reminded me of the times I used to be verbally abused. Hearing and seeing her act that way today actually scared me to the point where I was unable to say anything.   This nurse and I usually get along quite well. We always joke and banter in a pleasant way. What occurred today seemed much different. I felt as though I was being scolded for having told the doctor about this medical problem. What may seem to be a minor incident has left me feeling very scared and afraid. I would like to run away and hide, but of course, I cannot do that.   Some blood has been trickling from my ear ever since my doctor removed some earwax from it yesterday. I told my nurse about it even though I thought she would blow up. She tried telling me to get some kind of pills, heat them, and then pour the fluid into my ear. I did not understand everything she was telling me, so I told her to tell my CNA since she would be the one to do the work.   I am still having difficulties with the people who put me to bed at nighttime. When they transfer me from my wheelchair onto the bed, they seem to "slam" me onto the bed, which hurts my back. I honestly think that is contributing to a lot of the back pain I have been having recently. I have already said something to these two CNAs, but they seem to ignore me. Their main interest is leaving here as soon as possible.   Although they are supposed to give me up to one hour of their time, they are usually here for less than ten minutes. I am reluctant to make a complaint with their office. I like them and do not want them to be replaced, which is probably what would happen. All I really want is to receive the proper care that I deserve. I just do not know how to go about doing that.   My depression has worsened, and I am concerned about it. This morning I do not want to go on living. I am not planning on hurting myself, but I would like to do something to feel better.   Quotes for Success:   “Few men have the natural strength to honour a friend's success without envy.”   Aeschylus