I do not know what is happening to me, but it certainly is not very good.  I have been having trouble sleeping at night primarily because of the incessant pain that strikes my ankles and legs.  There are nights when it slowly crawls upwards, taking hold of my shoulder, back and neck in the process.   I have begun having nightmares and flashbacks to the sexual abuse that I sustained as a child.  It is, at times, horrifying.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night crying and sobbing.  I rarely ever cry because when I was a child, my mother insisted, "men don't cry."   When I go to bed, I have a remote control device, which I press should I ever want to open the front door.  During the last couple of weeks, I keep hearing someone knocking on my front door and find myself pressing the button to open it.  I keep sensing that my abusers are outside the door trying to get in, and that if I do not open the door for them, they will find some way to get in without my help, and then they will force their bodies within me time and time again.   When I saw my psychologist last week, she said that I had not talked very much about the sexual abuse that I had received.  She said that I needed to start doing that.  I told her that I found it to be very uncomfortable, but that I was trying to get around to it.  I do not think she is going to let me continue ignoring it for much longer.  We both know that I have to get this out into the open before I can ever be free.   Tomorrow afternoon I am seeing my physical therapist with the hope there will be something she can do to help ease my physical pain.  I have tried, without success, to reach my doctor today in order to get some more medication, which will dull the pain.  His office staff told me that I would have to pick up the prescription once it is made, rather than their simply calling a drugstore for me.  The only reason I can think of for this, is that the medication is a narcotic.  I guess that they would not want it to fall into the wrong hands.   In order to schedule my ride to my physical therapist's office, it was necessary for me to call the transportation agency and wait on the phone for 36 minutes.  In addition to my appointment tomorrow, I also have medical appointments on Wednesday and Thursday.  It had been my intention to schedule rides for all three days when I called today.  There seems to be another "glitch" in their computer system, so I was told to call back and try again tomorrow.   Quotes for Determination:   “A determined soul will do more with a rusty monkey wrench than a loafer will accomplish with all the tools in a machine shop.”   Robert Hughes