10 AM   Last night I went to the Relapse Prevention Group at the mental health clinic where I go.  Due to a number of medical problems, this is the first session I have attended in six or seven weeks.  The main differences are that we now have eight members and a new group leader (Karl).    After I cleared up a little discrepancy in my name with Karl, he asked me if I would like to start the conversation with the other members.  I told him no.  I was not overly impressed with him. I was not too happy with the meeting last night either.     It seemed as though almost everyone was blaming his or her drug habits on someone else.  I spent nearly forty-five minutes listening to three people say how good they were, and how bad the people who were angry with them for using drugs or alcohol were.   Prior to that "debate" taking place, I was asked to tell the members how things were going for me.  I said that other than a few medical problems, and one relapse in early December, I was doing pretty well.  I then opened my big mouth and said that I would not talk about my relapse.   Karl was upset because I refused to discuss my relapse.  I finally said that if it would make him happy, then I would tell them about it.  I told him that it had taken place in early December, and that it had been the first one since I had a number of relapses during October.  When questioned by one of the other members, I said that at the time I had it, I had been feeling lonely, bored, and depressed.  He asked how I felt after my relapse, and I replied that I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and angry with myself, it gave me some suicidal feelings.   Later in the meeting, after listening to some of the others blaming everyone but themselves for their own problems, I became very ticked off at all of them.  I think that Karl picked up on this, because he asked me if I felt stigmatized by my friends and family.    I told Karl that I did not have any friends other than one drug dealer who lived across the street, and that I did not want to have very much to do with him.  He said he hoped that some of the other members would help me come up with ideas on how to solve the problem of my not having any friends.   My remark about not having any friends was not made with the intention of gaining any type of sympathy.  I was simply stating a fact and trying to show the other members of the group something about myself.   I also said that I did not have much to do with anyone in my family other than my sister and her daughter.  I said that I saw my sister about once or twice a month, and I stated that my brother and I rarely spoke to one another.  I said that I felt he was extremely angry with me for having used drugs in the first place.  Karl wanted to know how I felt about this, so I told him that at times it hurt me a lot and gave me as much pain as someone would have who had lost an arm or leg.   At one time, I said that I thought the group members cared more about themselves than they did anyone else.  I might as well have lit a cannon fuse because that seemed to make some of them upset with me.  Two of the other members steadfastly maintained that they cared about, and wanted to help, other people.   As it came time for the meeting to end, Karl said that from now on he wanted the meeting to focus on how to help members prevent relapses, as well as helping other members come up with ways in which to develop relationships.  He said that he did not think that the members should use the meetings as a time to vent.  Some members disagreed with this and said that they only felt comfortable talking about their problems with other people who had similar difficulties, and that they thought this was one place where they could do this.   I felt the meeting was a complete waste of my time.  Nevertheless, I will continue to go to future meetings as often as possible.   Quotes for Happiness:   “Don’t limit investing to the financial world. Invest something of yourself, and you will be richly rewarded.” –– Charles Schwab