Wednesday, December 2 - UPDATE - 3:30 P.M. In recent days, I have been feeling a combination of anger and pain.  The only real way I have been trying to deal with this is by trying to ignore it.  That is not working.  It helped get me through the holidays, but they are over with now and my life is getting back to where it used to be.  That is not a very nice place.   My December safety net is gone, and my mind is more aware of it with each passing day.  Intellectually, I realize I do not want to hurt myself, but emotionally I have a strong desire to do just that.  These are conflicting points of view, and I do not know how to deal with them.   When I think of things that happened to me throughout the years, my mood automatically takes a nosedive.  I sit in one spot thinking about various crappy parts of my life, and how I have kept my thoughts and feelings bottled up inside of me.  I do not know how to release them, and what would happen even if I did so.   There are times when I seriously wish that someone would hurt me.  When I was a child, my mother would yell, scream, and humiliate me.  She would even strike out and hit me.  She abused me in every way imaginable.  As much as I hated it then, there are times when I want it to happen now.   For some reason I cannot understand, I have a yearning for the physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual pain that I underwent.  I keep looking for someone who might take my mother's place and inflict similar pain upon me.   Something is wrong with me.  I am thinking crazily these days.  I often wonder if I am going insane.  If that were the case, I would rather have my life end, than to be locked away in some institution.