10:35 A.M. This is the last day of my safety net for 2007.  Only during the month of December can I be sure that I will not kill myself.  I have set this month aside because if I ever went through with the act of killing myself, I would not want my family to go through the pain and grief during the holidays.  I lost both my parents -- my father at Thanksgiving and my mother Christmas -- and because of that I am not been able to fully enjoy the holidays very much.  I do not want to ruin them for others, as mine have been ruined for me.   I have been trying to build up my spirits during the past month.  I finally got into the holiday mood toward the end of December.  It was better late than never.  The good mood was with me for a few days, but now I can slowly feel it slipping away.  I am trying to keep a tight grasp on it because I felt good for a while, and I really enjoyed that feeling.   I am having a struggle with my conscience.  During the first two weeks of December, I had some drug relapses.  My conscience is telling me that when I go to my Relapse Prevention Group next week, I need to admit to my relapses in front of the other members of this group.  On the other hand, another part of me keeps asking who will ever know the difference if I did not say anything.  Unfortunately, I already know that I will tell the truth.  What is the use of my going to this type of group if I am not going to be honest about my actions?   Tomorrow afternoon I have been invited to have dinner with my sister and some of her family.  I intend to go there if I can get through enough snow in order to get to my ride.  The management of this apartment complex has been very lax about shoveling the snow off of the sidewalks and plowing the parking lot.   Quotes of Attitude: “The world is a looking glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face.” William Makepeace Thackeray